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indecadence) wrote2013-05-24 08:48 pm
indecadence) wrote2013-05-24 08:48 pm
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[ They are not the same. Castiel knows that, no matter what they suffer through, it will never be as it was, and he doesn't think he owes Dean that explanation. Except... The question draws him up short, and he turns enough so that he faces him head-on, eyes level with his face. ]
Things were different then, Dean. I-- [ I missed you. Because he'd been his best friend, his only connection to a world he had found both fascinating and confusing. And he had changed. Staring at him like this is like staring at a ghost, the painful reminder of his failure. ] What use am I to you here?
[ It's softly spoken, afraid to know. How Dean doesn't need him because he has Sam. He has family, and the truth of it is, Castiel doesn't even have that. Fleeting glimpses of his brothers and sisters who always, always abandon him and leave. ]
Things were different then, Dean. I-- [ I missed you. Because he'd been his best friend, his only connection to a world he had found both fascinating and confusing. And he had changed. Staring at him like this is like staring at a ghost, the painful reminder of his failure. ] What use am I to you here?
[ It's softly spoken, afraid to know. How Dean doesn't need him because he has Sam. He has family, and the truth of it is, Castiel doesn't even have that. Fleeting glimpses of his brothers and sisters who always, always abandon him and leave. ]
[ Dean held still, barely able to hear that softly spoken question because, frankly, that's what this all boiled down too right? What value did this Cas have to the Dean that hadn't been there for him when the times got tough and then some.
Dean didn't know that history and much as it pained him, it rankled. ]
You can be of plenty of use. Much as I hate to admit it, you probably know more about how to survive in a place like Haven then the rest of us do. Heck, you've practically lived six months out in the boonies when the rest of us don't dare step outside the apartments. I think you've got plenty of value.
[ and that was a start and Dean was desperate to hold on to anything. Too much had changed, too much was changing to keep pretending this was it and that was that and things were eventually going to get back to normal. So he might as well work with what he had. ]
Dean didn't know that history and much as it pained him, it rankled. ]
You can be of plenty of use. Much as I hate to admit it, you probably know more about how to survive in a place like Haven then the rest of us do. Heck, you've practically lived six months out in the boonies when the rest of us don't dare step outside the apartments. I think you've got plenty of value.
[ and that was a start and Dean was desperate to hold on to anything. Too much had changed, too much was changing to keep pretending this was it and that was that and things were eventually going to get back to normal. So he might as well work with what he had. ]
And what would you have me do? [ The words are sharp even as he realizes what it is Dean has just said to him. I think you've got plenty of value. It sits wrong in his chest, like it shouldn't be there. ] Ready the grunts and get them moving?
[ Which sounds a lot like what he'd done before. A second slips by, and then, another, each of them adding up until the silence is almost overbearing. Castiel tries to find something to look at besides the other man's face, but he keeps drifting back. Suddenly, it seems almost clear to him. ]
... is that why you're here?
[ Which sounds a lot like what he'd done before. A second slips by, and then, another, each of them adding up until the silence is almost overbearing. Castiel tries to find something to look at besides the other man's face, but he keeps drifting back. Suddenly, it seems almost clear to him. ]
... is that why you're here?
[ Dean's sitting pretty uncomfortable now that he's got Cas' full attention finally and it shows in how he rubs his hands down the front of his jeans. ]
No, if I wanted the grunts mobilized, I think we're better off asking for volunteers. Different people, different customs, you never know what's gonna work. No, what I need is for you to remember what it's like to be part of a team because believe it or not, we're in this together.
[ which was the whole crux of the matter. They couldn't choose who they wanted, but regardless, there was a bond there, however tenuous, however nebulous, however fucked up and that was all there was to it. Breaking it, on the other hand, well... They've already tried their damndest to do that. It didn't work. ]
No, if I wanted the grunts mobilized, I think we're better off asking for volunteers. Different people, different customs, you never know what's gonna work. No, what I need is for you to remember what it's like to be part of a team because believe it or not, we're in this together.
[ which was the whole crux of the matter. They couldn't choose who they wanted, but regardless, there was a bond there, however tenuous, however nebulous, however fucked up and that was all there was to it. Breaking it, on the other hand, well... They've already tried their damndest to do that. It didn't work. ]
[ His mouth twists down into a frown. He knows there are differences in the people here, but it's all the same. Unite them under a single cause, and everyone would move. It's almost embarrassing how easy (and true) it is. Still, he remains quiet, unsure how to take what he's saying at face value. There's always more to it. Always. ]
Do you even know what you're asking? Dean-- Haven is so desperate to tear us apart. If we're together... [ It's dangerous. ]
Tell me it's what you want. [ Because he would do it. He would fall back into the fight with him, pick up where they'd left off and die for it all over again. Same rules, different mission. Castiel draws close, a few inches from him and expectant. ]
Do you even know what you're asking? Dean-- Haven is so desperate to tear us apart. If we're together... [ It's dangerous. ]
Tell me it's what you want. [ Because he would do it. He would fall back into the fight with him, pick up where they'd left off and die for it all over again. Same rules, different mission. Castiel draws close, a few inches from him and expectant. ]
[ Except what you're asking is for Dean to be the leader. He was never very good at that. Too much responsibility, too many lives lost. It killed him each time and then he buried that too. He had a whole graveyard full of regrets and the bones just kept on piling. But he looked Cas straight in the eye, burying yet another fear, another regret with all the rest and his jaw firmed up and his gaze turned hard and he nodded. ]
Yeah, that's what I want. If we're gonna get torn apart and eaten by the crows, I think it's about time we started doing it on our terms, don't you think? Wouldn't you rather choose your death rather then just wait for it?
[ how much longer are you going to be the observer, the chronicler? Dean knew what kind of shitty life that lead to. And like Cas kept pointing out. He was no longer an angel. There was no need to keep being the guardian. He could be the friend instead. ]
Yeah, that's what I want. If we're gonna get torn apart and eaten by the crows, I think it's about time we started doing it on our terms, don't you think? Wouldn't you rather choose your death rather then just wait for it?
[ how much longer are you going to be the observer, the chronicler? Dean knew what kind of shitty life that lead to. And like Cas kept pointing out. He was no longer an angel. There was no need to keep being the guardian. He could be the friend instead. ]
[He should leave well enough alone.
He shouldn't lean on Castiel. Shouldn't be taking this shit to his doorstep.
But fuck.]
it got me
[The power stealing virus bullshit. He is so mad, still. Even after finding some solace in others earlier in the week. Mad and helpless. So. Time to bug That Guy. Because Castiel's leaned on him. Equal trade.]
He shouldn't lean on Castiel. Shouldn't be taking this shit to his doorstep.
But fuck.]
it got me
[The power stealing virus bullshit. He is so mad, still. Even after finding some solace in others earlier in the week. Mad and helpless. So. Time to bug That Guy. Because Castiel's leaned on him. Equal trade.]
[ Why everyone is coming to him, he honestly doesn't know. But the reply, at least, is almost immediate. ]
Are you okay?
Are you okay?
[there are so many snarky retorts to that simple question. so. so many to choose from.
Isaac picks the simplest. bonus is it can be read nicely, if the other's of a mind for it.]
not really
Isaac picks the simplest. bonus is it can be read nicely, if the other's of a mind for it.]
not really
[ Maybe he's not. ]
You should tell me about it.
You should tell me about it.
[is he serious? of course he's serious.]
i feel like i lost a limb
i feel like i lost a limb
[ He's not laughing. If he is, it's sort of...bitter irony. ]
It will grow back.
It will grow back.
[ But here, unlike in Castiel's time, he does not have to carry that burden alone. He has Sam, Jo. Others he can depend on to see it through until the end, and he... Well, he's there to pick up the pieces afterward. He tries not to laugh, finds it failing. ]
I chose it a long time ago. But if you think it will make a difference, all right - why not?
[ It's there for him to take: an offer for an offer. Castiel will put on his best front, step into the shoes of a solider long since instilled in him. What he's made for, and here is he, willing to follow Dean toward some uncertain ending.
But the thought gives him pause, eyes flicking to the other man's face and off to the side. He's not following anymore; they're planning to meet it head-on together. ]
I chose it a long time ago. But if you think it will make a difference, all right - why not?
[ It's there for him to take: an offer for an offer. Castiel will put on his best front, step into the shoes of a solider long since instilled in him. What he's made for, and here is he, willing to follow Dean toward some uncertain ending.
But the thought gives him pause, eyes flicking to the other man's face and off to the side. He's not following anymore; they're planning to meet it head-on together. ]
[ And he remembered. Cas had hinted, suggested before the end. He had known he was walking to his death and he did it all for him. It ranked to high heaven and Dean's expression showed it for a brief moment. Him and the other guy had never quite gotten along. And for good reason. It just took Dean a really long time to remember why. ]
Of course it'll make a difference. Since when have the three of us ever failed when we put our minds to it, right?
[ Dean went straight for the half cocked smile, suddenly returning to his feet and dusting off his hands because, in the end, wasn't that what caused the whole bad situation for Cas and Dean in that other time? Dean had given up and then the world just fell part. It's almost scary to admit how close he got to that a second time,even a third. It chilled him straight down to his bones.
But he was smiling and to cover up the unease curling into his shoulders, he gestured randomly at the room. ]
And, since we're putting in the effort, how about we find you a better place to stay, huh? This one kind of reeks. [ not really Cas' fault, but Dean had to turn aside the moment somehow. It was getting uncomfortably close to true leadership and he wasn't a hundred percent sure he was ready for that. Not with him as he was. But he could certainly start taking steps to work on it. ]
Of course it'll make a difference. Since when have the three of us ever failed when we put our minds to it, right?
[ Dean went straight for the half cocked smile, suddenly returning to his feet and dusting off his hands because, in the end, wasn't that what caused the whole bad situation for Cas and Dean in that other time? Dean had given up and then the world just fell part. It's almost scary to admit how close he got to that a second time,even a third. It chilled him straight down to his bones.
But he was smiling and to cover up the unease curling into his shoulders, he gestured randomly at the room. ]
And, since we're putting in the effort, how about we find you a better place to stay, huh? This one kind of reeks. [ not really Cas' fault, but Dean had to turn aside the moment somehow. It was getting uncomfortably close to true leadership and he wasn't a hundred percent sure he was ready for that. Not with him as he was. But he could certainly start taking steps to work on it. ]
[ This is pretty much the worst day ever. Castiel never quite understood how life was pain until now. There was always something uncomfortable or off or too intense, even loud sounds of humanity going about it's daily routine seemed oppressive to extremes.
It took several tries to get himself to come here before he arrived at his door, and even his shoulder seems to slump at the added weight of Cas' hand on it. ]
I don't know. [ The now former angel looks somewhat defeated. ] I thought since... you've experienced this before...
It took several tries to get himself to come here before he arrived at his door, and even his shoulder seems to slump at the added weight of Cas' hand on it. ]
I don't know. [ The now former angel looks somewhat defeated. ] I thought since... you've experienced this before...
[ He watches him for a moment longer, quite aware of what it is the angel must be thinking. He'd thought it at first too, still did from time to time, but there is more to being human than the agony, the too much or not enough. Whether or not he considers this an opportunity to repair whatever it is between them is not up for debate either. ]
Of course. [ Because he must know all the answers when it comes to this. Castiel pulls his hand back and uses it to rub at his neck before stepping away. ] Sleep first, maybe. The rest should follow.
[ At least, as long as he's there to make sure he doesn't screw it up. ]
Of course. [ Because he must know all the answers when it comes to this. Castiel pulls his hand back and uses it to rub at his neck before stepping away. ] Sleep first, maybe. The rest should follow.
[ At least, as long as he's there to make sure he doesn't screw it up. ]
[ Since when have they failed? Castiel has to take several long seconds to remind himself how long it's been for Dean since then, how he doesn't need to worry about the road frequently traveled because that had been seen to already. It angers him that he can be so callous and casual about it, but then again, that had always been his way.
He avoids the smile and looks anywhere but at the man moving around. He desperately wanted-- no, needed Dean to understand how this is so much more than them and him. They are being tested every second that ticks by, and what does he have to show for it? Nothing at all but his fear and the abject notion he would continue feeling this way. ]
I like it here. [ It's all he ventures to say for a while, breath slowly leveling out. Then, softly: ] I feel it's unwise to linger in that building longer than necessary.
He avoids the smile and looks anywhere but at the man moving around. He desperately wanted-- no, needed Dean to understand how this is so much more than them and him. They are being tested every second that ticks by, and what does he have to show for it? Nothing at all but his fear and the abject notion he would continue feeling this way. ]
I like it here. [ It's all he ventures to say for a while, breath slowly leveling out. Then, softly: ] I feel it's unwise to linger in that building longer than necessary.
[ Dean's just gonna straight to the chase because he's getting tired of voice mail Russian roulette. ]
Look, if you don't pick up this phone in the next fifteen seconds, I'm gonna run down to your lair and throw petrified dog poop all over your bed. And don't you dare think that I won't!
Look, if you don't pick up this phone in the next fifteen seconds, I'm gonna run down to your lair and throw petrified dog poop all over your bed. And don't you dare think that I won't!
[ after only about fifteen minutes, Dean's calling again. ]
Look, shit, I'm sorry. Just pick up the damn phone, will you? I'm getting sick of this.
[ sorry, Cas. You're just the one Dean's picking on today. ]
Look, shit, I'm sorry. Just pick up the damn phone, will you? I'm getting sick of this.
[ sorry, Cas. You're just the one Dean's picking on today. ]
[ after about an hour and no call and... crap ]
All right. So maybe I shouldn't have threatened to mess up your pad, but I think you should know that you ain't the only one skipping out of town. Sam's gone and I think Rosie is too. If the three if you ain't off on a lark somewhere, I'm gonna be pissed!
All right. So maybe I shouldn't have threatened to mess up your pad, but I think you should know that you ain't the only one skipping out of town. Sam's gone and I think Rosie is too. If the three if you ain't off on a lark somewhere, I'm gonna be pissed!
[ much, much later... ]
All right, since you three ain't the only ones missing and I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. Just give me a ring when you get this. Because if you don't, I may have to strangle you.
[ and then he hangs up because frustrated Dean is frustrated. Which means it's time to go cry on Jo's shoulder— I mean... Time to tell her the news. ]
All right, since you three ain't the only ones missing and I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. Just give me a ring when you get this. Because if you don't, I may have to strangle you.
[ and then he hangs up because frustrated Dean is frustrated. Which means it's time to go cry on Jo's shoulder— I mean... Time to tell her the news. ]
CONTACT: lone.wanderer@compass.net
MESSAGE: Hey, are you busy?
MESSAGE: Hey, are you busy?
[About an hour later...]
MESSAGE: Cas? Are you there?
MESSAGE: Cas? Are you there?
[And another hour after that.]
MESSAGE: Cas, if you get this, please text me. Or drop by my room or something. Just let me know you're okay.
MESSAGE: Cas, if you get this, please text me. Or drop by my room or something. Just let me know you're okay.
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