[ there's something dean, even with his alcohol foggy brain, doesn't expect to hear.
i like this.
nobody is supposed to like this. nobody. not cas, not him-- neither of them, not even sam and the other dean, they're just reminders of how shit things can get, what they could all turn into down the road. dean hates it, what they've turned into, who he is now. he hates himself more than he ever thought capable, it oozes out of him with everything he does, every time he challenges an archangel, every time he puts his life on the line. he hates himself, and honestly, he hates what he's turned cas into.
but hearing that leaves him speechless, a little more rigid as he leans against cas... right until dean snorts, the sound faintly amused and relaxes again. ]
To this day I still don't really get you.
[ always full of surprises, cas. always saying and doing the unexpected, giving him reasons that he doesn't know how to deal with. in the uncertainty that is cas though, in the tight squeeze of his fingers, dean finds comfort, even now. ]
No. Maybe I did before, but... I don't know anymore.
[ he doesn't like himself, not then or now, so what point would there be in wanting one over the other. he wants things to be alright for once, with sam, with cas, but that seems to be asking for too much. the thought hurts, still, but the pain isn't quite as sharp some when dean had first found cas in the hallway, dulled by the other man's presence and the alcohol that's now slowly putting him to sleep. ]
HUFFFSSSS
i like this.
nobody is supposed to like this. nobody. not cas, not him-- neither of them, not even sam and the other dean, they're just reminders of how shit things can get, what they could all turn into down the road. dean hates it, what they've turned into, who he is now. he hates himself more than he ever thought capable, it oozes out of him with everything he does, every time he challenges an archangel, every time he puts his life on the line. he hates himself, and honestly, he hates what he's turned cas into.
but hearing that leaves him speechless, a little more rigid as he leans against cas... right until dean snorts, the sound faintly amused and relaxes again. ]
To this day I still don't really get you.
[ always full of surprises, cas. always saying and doing the unexpected, giving him reasons that he doesn't know how to deal with. in the uncertainty that is cas though, in the tight squeeze of his fingers, dean finds comfort, even now. ]
No. Maybe I did before, but... I don't know anymore.
[ he doesn't like himself, not then or now, so what point would there be in wanting one over the other. he wants things to be alright for once, with sam, with cas, but that seems to be asking for too much. the thought hurts, still, but the pain isn't quite as sharp some when dean had first found cas in the hallway, dulled by the other man's presence and the alcohol that's now slowly putting him to sleep. ]