[ the usual strength of his voice is lacking, subdued to a whisper. ]
You didn't drive me to anything. Getting infected did.
[ getting infected, becoming one of them, making cas clean up after his mess. it hadn't been fair, and if dean hadn't been there in the first place, then maybe castiel wouldn't have had to go through all of that-- hell, if dean hadn't been in a lot of messes, cas wouldn't have died back home.
he can cut the cycle here though, once and for all.
dean feels the dampness grow, which prompts him to turn. he doesn't stray from cas though, lingers right there where there's little space between them. hands find cas', wrap around them, sealing fingers into warmth.
green looks for blue. ]
Despite that, you don't know how glad I was. If it had been you...
[ if it had been cas with blood stained lips and a look of mute shock on his face, life reduced to minutes as the raging monsters caught up with them... well, dean knows he wouldn't have been strong enough to survive seeing cas packing his bags in their place, alive and well again. it's all the proof he needs to know that him walking out the door won't break castiel for good, even if tears are seeping into his clothing. ]
[ Which makes it sound like an excuse, a stupid excuse, and Castiel doesn't have the strength to look at Dean when he turns to face him. He's focused on his chest, the start of his throat at his collarbone. His face is wet, and even after all this time, it's still strange. Crying. It'd almost always been reflex before, in too much physical pain to really control it.
Now, everything hurts, and he just wants to be numb. ]
I already have the best thing you can give me. [ You, his brain screams. You, you, you. ] But you keep trying to take it from me.
[ And there's heat to the words, something deep in the way his entire body shudders as he tries to reach for composure again. Except it's not there anymore, long since gone the moment he'd walked in and found Dean rushing to get his things before he could see it. This is far from acceptable, trembling with it, and he wants to explain how he hadn't coped. He'd wanted to be there with him, wanted to be dead too.
He lifts his head and leans in, stretching in the most uncoordinated way so that their foreheads bump. Castiel squeezes his eyes shut. ]
Without you, I have nothing. No reason, no will. [ A breath, and it's hot between their faces. ] Even after doing what I had to, I fought knowing you would come back. And I will keep fighting until you understand that I can't be torn from you. I--
I don't want to be your shadow or someone you think you need to save. I want to stand next to you, and I want to be with you.
[ Castiel touches his lips to the corner of Dean's mouth, ignoring the bitter tang of salt from his tears as he continues to stand there. Their noses brush, and he can feel himself close to losing it completely. ]
You'll only get... You'll only get hurt. Over and over.
[ it's weak now, because he knows cas doesn't care. there's a part of him, one that's always lingered somewhere deep, that knows those around him are allowed to make their own decisions. dean's never been good at letting them though, not when it might cost him them, not when they might die and dean could lose them.
he can't stand the thought of being alone, yet it seems like the only option.
except the cas is pressing his forehead to dean's, and he can't-- doesn't have the strength to pull away anymore. this has always brought him peace, a sense of being alright, with them like this, foreheads touching and the world around them stopping for a breath. ]
And there'll come a day when I lose you, Cas, I can't--
[ he's already lost sam, lost everyone else in his life. bobby, jo, mom, dad-- all of them gone, with him guilty of it all, somehow. his hands are at the sides of cas' face, thumbs brushing away the wet streaks of tears, mouth inches from cas', noses brushing side by side. he can't do this, but he wants to, so badly it aches with pain. ]
I lose everyone.
[ he'd rather push cas away, chase him off and know he's alive than take him now, only to get him killed later. ]
[ It's not that he doesn't care. It's just that there is more to this than searching for some sort of self-preservation, a desire that extends beyond the here and now. He's needed Dean since he first laid a hand on him, and even now, that need has yet to disappear. Through thick and thin, it refuses to go anywhere at all.
The hands on his face are warm, the breath he feels hot, and the words-- Castiel continues to squeeze his eyes shut, desperate for this. For anything that would keep them together. ]
You haven't lost me. You never will.
[ There's a shiver, sucking in air and sniffling just a little in the process. But it doesn't matter, tilting his head just enough to brush their lips together. It's the softest touch, barely there, and he lets his hands move up to cup the back of Dean's neck, leaning even harder against him. He needs Dean to believe him. He needs him so much, and the last several weeks have only proven how much.
Being alone had never been an option for him. He'd come into existence surrounded by many, and now... Now, he's down to one. He can't let him go. ]
If nothing else, trust me to keep that promise. I'm never going to leave you. [ He hasn't yet, and he won't. Castiel presses an even gentler kiss to the corner of Dean's mouth. ] Whatever it takes--
[ he wants to believe it more than anything, more than a promise from sam of the same thing, that he'll never leave him. his brother is-- he goes his own path, and dean's come to find that clinging to sam isn't easy, and that he can't do it without sacrificing his humanity over it. so maybe he can let that go, maybe....
but not cas. he needs someone, and with all the sacrifice and stubborn desire to stay by his side, cas has sealed his fate to him whether dean wanted it or not. castiel is his now, and all the words, the promises he offers dean.... dean wants to swallow them all, take them all for what they are, and to keep him.
cas is losing his chance to run away. ]
Don't make a promise like that.
[ don't make one you might not be able to keep. it's a desperate plea, breathed against cas' lips as he tries to hold himself still and from chasing that mouth. he hates this power cas has over him, the easy lull of his words that promise dean what he wants... yet past experiences easily tell how fickle such a promise can be, and dean's not sure if he can survive cas walking away from him if he allows himself to let the other man back in. ]
Just don't.
[ pressing in, dean forces his mouth on cas', rough and gentle at the same time-- demanding but almost afraid. he wants and hates all of this, yet the thought of walking away has detached itself, leaving dean to press himself closer against cas in return. ]
[ He sucks in a breath with those words, breathing the same air that Dean exhales, and it's a complicated intimacy that's between them now. He would ask him to stay for himself because he's greedy enough to want it, but he would also ask him to stay for them. For whatever it is they're moving toward. Something great, something terrifying.
Something that might inevitably kill them both.
Castiel takes the kiss without compliant, mouth open and a bit slack as he presses right back against him. His hands slip away, and he wraps his arms around Dean's shoulders like he's the only thing keeping him grounded. He doesn't know what the next several weeks will bring, if there would have been any point to fighting for Dean to stay with him, but worse than letting go is knowing he might have never tried at all. It's a failure too great to consider, and he draws back, pressing their noses together and eyes shut in an effort to collect his thoughts. ]
It's all I have left to give you.
[ Because he'd given him everything else already. His grace, his loyalty, his life, his love. It's all written out to Dean, has been far before any of this had happened between them, and he can't offer him anything else but a promise he really has no control over. It stings, and he burns with the knowledge of it. The helplessness he feels even as he stands toe-to-toe with the only one he has left is just-- it's too much. Castiel pushes his forehead against Dean's so hard it hurts. ]
Please. [ take it ] I need you.
[ And then he's kissing him with a terrible desperation that leaves him breathless and aching. ]
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indecadence) wrote2013-05-24 08:48 pm
no subject
You didn't drive me to anything. Getting infected did.
[ getting infected, becoming one of them, making cas clean up after his mess. it hadn't been fair, and if dean hadn't been there in the first place, then maybe castiel wouldn't have had to go through all of that-- hell, if dean hadn't been in a lot of messes, cas wouldn't have died back home.
he can cut the cycle here though, once and for all.
dean feels the dampness grow, which prompts him to turn. he doesn't stray from cas though, lingers right there where there's little space between them. hands find cas', wrap around them, sealing fingers into warmth.
green looks for blue. ]
Despite that, you don't know how glad I was. If it had been you...
[ if it had been cas with blood stained lips and a look of mute shock on his face, life reduced to minutes as the raging monsters caught up with them... well, dean knows he wouldn't have been strong enough to survive seeing cas packing his bags in their place, alive and well again. it's all the proof he needs to know that him walking out the door won't break castiel for good, even if tears are seeping into his clothing. ]
This is the best thing I can give you.
[ freedom. ]
no subject
Now, everything hurts, and he just wants to be numb. ]
I already have the best thing you can give me. [ You, his brain screams. You, you, you. ] But you keep trying to take it from me.
[ And there's heat to the words, something deep in the way his entire body shudders as he tries to reach for composure again. Except it's not there anymore, long since gone the moment he'd walked in and found Dean rushing to get his things before he could see it. This is far from acceptable, trembling with it, and he wants to explain how he hadn't coped. He'd wanted to be there with him, wanted to be dead too.
He lifts his head and leans in, stretching in the most uncoordinated way so that their foreheads bump. Castiel squeezes his eyes shut. ]
Without you, I have nothing. No reason, no will. [ A breath, and it's hot between their faces. ] Even after doing what I had to, I fought knowing you would come back. And I will keep fighting until you understand that I can't be torn from you. I--
I don't want to be your shadow or someone you think you need to save. I want to stand next to you, and I want to be with you.
[ Castiel touches his lips to the corner of Dean's mouth, ignoring the bitter tang of salt from his tears as he continues to stand there. Their noses brush, and he can feel himself close to losing it completely. ]
... I go where you go.
no subject
You'll only get... You'll only get hurt. Over and over.
[ it's weak now, because he knows cas doesn't care. there's a part of him, one that's always lingered somewhere deep, that knows those around him are allowed to make their own decisions. dean's never been good at letting them though, not when it might cost him them, not when they might die and dean could lose them.
he can't stand the thought of being alone, yet it seems like the only option.
except the cas is pressing his forehead to dean's, and he can't-- doesn't have the strength to pull away anymore. this has always brought him peace, a sense of being alright, with them like this, foreheads touching and the world around them stopping for a breath. ]
And there'll come a day when I lose you, Cas, I can't--
[ he's already lost sam, lost everyone else in his life. bobby, jo, mom, dad-- all of them gone, with him guilty of it all, somehow. his hands are at the sides of cas' face, thumbs brushing away the wet streaks of tears, mouth inches from cas', noses brushing side by side. he can't do this, but he wants to, so badly it aches with pain. ]
I lose everyone.
[ he'd rather push cas away, chase him off and know he's alive than take him now, only to get him killed later. ]
no subject
The hands on his face are warm, the breath he feels hot, and the words-- Castiel continues to squeeze his eyes shut, desperate for this. For anything that would keep them together. ]
You haven't lost me. You never will.
[ There's a shiver, sucking in air and sniffling just a little in the process. But it doesn't matter, tilting his head just enough to brush their lips together. It's the softest touch, barely there, and he lets his hands move up to cup the back of Dean's neck, leaning even harder against him. He needs Dean to believe him. He needs him so much, and the last several weeks have only proven how much.
Being alone had never been an option for him. He'd come into existence surrounded by many, and now... Now, he's down to one. He can't let him go. ]
If nothing else, trust me to keep that promise. I'm never going to leave you. [ He hasn't yet, and he won't. Castiel presses an even gentler kiss to the corner of Dean's mouth. ] Whatever it takes--
I'll always be with you. [ So stop fighting it. ]
years later...
but not cas. he needs someone, and with all the sacrifice and stubborn desire to stay by his side, cas has sealed his fate to him whether dean wanted it or not. castiel is his now, and all the words, the promises he offers dean.... dean wants to swallow them all, take them all for what they are, and to keep him.
cas is losing his chance to run away. ]
Don't make a promise like that.
[ don't make one you might not be able to keep. it's a desperate plea, breathed against cas' lips as he tries to hold himself still and from chasing that mouth. he hates this power cas has over him, the easy lull of his words that promise dean what he wants... yet past experiences easily tell how fickle such a promise can be, and dean's not sure if he can survive cas walking away from him if he allows himself to let the other man back in. ]
Just don't.
[ pressing in, dean forces his mouth on cas', rough and gentle at the same time-- demanding but almost afraid. he wants and hates all of this, yet the thought of walking away has detached itself, leaving dean to press himself closer against cas in return. ]
dun dun dun...
Something that might inevitably kill them both.
Castiel takes the kiss without compliant, mouth open and a bit slack as he presses right back against him. His hands slip away, and he wraps his arms around Dean's shoulders like he's the only thing keeping him grounded. He doesn't know what the next several weeks will bring, if there would have been any point to fighting for Dean to stay with him, but worse than letting go is knowing he might have never tried at all. It's a failure too great to consider, and he draws back, pressing their noses together and eyes shut in an effort to collect his thoughts. ]
It's all I have left to give you.
[ Because he'd given him everything else already. His grace, his loyalty, his life, his love. It's all written out to Dean, has been far before any of this had happened between them, and he can't offer him anything else but a promise he really has no control over. It stings, and he burns with the knowledge of it. The helplessness he feels even as he stands toe-to-toe with the only one he has left is just-- it's too much. Castiel pushes his forehead against Dean's so hard it hurts. ]
Please. [ take it ] I need you.
[ And then he's kissing him with a terrible desperation that leaves him breathless and aching. ]