[ that's definitely something. a cas who doesn't even know his own name, let alone what he might be. whatever happened back in the better timeline sounds like a real mess. but dean's not entirely concerned about that. if cas has his powers, that's all that matters to him.
green finds the slope of cas' neck for a moment, then he's moving to get up, hand on the wall behind him. ]
No. I'll go alone. [ sorry, this is gonna be a solo trip. he wants to make his own assessments and impressions without cas there to mess things up for him.
but he does pause to look at him for a beat. ]
Does Sam know about other-me? He might be a problem.
[ last thing dean needs is the other him whispering bad things about him to sam... ]
[ He turns away again, arms crossing and his hands sliding to cup his elbows as he stands there listening to him. Of course he would choose to go alone. It really shouldn't surprise him, but it still worries him, unsure where that particular meeting would even go. What would an entirely clueless him do in the event he learned what he actually was? Would he ever remember Dean if he forgot him?
It has him hesitating, something pulling at his chest. ]
I haven't spoken with Sam yet. [ A breath. ] I came to you first.
[ And then, he's giving into that tugging urge to face the other man, oddly relieved to find him just a little closer. Less distracted by whatever he was doing before, more focused on him and the conversation. Castiel won't say he isn't pleased with the attention--even if they're talking about the angel. ]
And I didn't tell the other you that you were here. [ Didn't see a point in it. ]
[ the information lights up his eyes some, has him relaxing just a fraction and letting a relieved sigh. ]
Good.
[ well done, on bot accounts. he needs the surprise to be at his advantage is case something happens. that is, unless of course sam beats him into telling his other-self he's here. sam wouldn't withhold the information, not from the dean he knows better.
probably likes better too.
dean shoves the thought away, and instead looks at cas. ]
With some luck, we'll be able to jog his memories... And maybe this time, he can help. The last one was... [ an asshole.
[ Castiel wonders if he should feel as pleased as he does with that single word, chasing after it by meeting the look Dean gives him head-on. It's not as if he hadn't done anything spectacularly different, having used a bit of foresight. That, and the way past Dean had talked to him-- The frown that wrinkles his brow only lasts a moment.
Because they're talking about the angel again.
Dean's talking about the angel. ]
What are you hoping he'll remember? [ His voice cracks just slightly. ] ... how will it be any different than last time?
[ Does he mean that he can have some useful Castiel who won't lose his grace and help him with the mission? One that won't disagree to any idea put into his head like the other had? He still hasn't mentioned to Dean the possibility of actually taking his grace from the angel, but the thought just sits at the back of his mind as he looks at him, eyes a little wide and mouth twisted thin.
[ if dean realizes there's something off here, about cas, he doesn't say anything. instead, he just looks at cas with his own version of excitement, the spark of a plan, another mission becoming possible. ]
As long as he remember what he is enough to use the power he has? The rest doesn't matter.
[ it's almost ruthless. but he doesn't care much for the castiel of the past, or of a different timeline. he has his cas, has him in a way dean had never expected and that's more than enough for him.
but he does add, after a moment of hesitation; ]
If he were to find out... I'm the way I am, he won't help me.
[ much like what had happened with the previous cas. they realize he's not their dean, he isn't the weaker version, and they stay away, find him something of an abomination.
but then maybe... ]
Unless of course I befriend him first. That could work, too.
[ Of all things, he recognizes that look, and maybe he should be glad for it. That Dean has found something else to strive for, another plan that might be better than his own--even if he hadn't quite tested the theory yet. Castiel didn't have an issue tossing the angel to his death if it came to it; going against Lucifer was bound to cause that anyhow. But--
Well. He can't quite help it now, reaching out to touch Dean anywhere he can. His fingers settle on his wrist, slipping around it easily just for the sake of contact. It's difficult to think when it's all he's really wanted to do since he'd dragged himself in from the rain. ]
There's nothing wrong with the way you are.
[ Not to Castiel, not really. They are who they are because of the things they've done, and it's not going to change how they're perceived. If the older Castiel had understood that, perhaps he wouldn't have been so harsh with either of them. Then again, an angel was a stranger to sympathy for things they did not understand.
He strokes his thumb along the underside, looking at him. ]
[ the touch is a little surprising but not unwelcome. light, and warm, cas' fingers are slim where they find his wrist and dean doesn't spare a glance down to confirm what's going on, only keeps green trained on blue. beads of water, few and far between still dot cas' skin, and dean wants to lean in suddenly, trace them away with his mouth.
instead, he scoffs at the words, looking away for a moment. ]
Even you can't believe that.
[ he is different.
he is... worse than the other one, despite claiming otherwise. he's distant, he doesn't always feel like himself, hasn't in a long time, and he's been out of touch with certain qualities in life, certain aspects of himself and people. he doesn't necessarily want to be the person he'd once been, there was weakness in that, which had cost him sam, but...
sometimes he still finds himself envious. to have sam's affections easier, castiel's too...
[ He glances down then, focusing on the light path he takes with his fingers, and it's always the contrast he finds incredibly fascinating. Dean in comparison to him, how they're both roughened from the hardships they've faced but in different ways. Castiel turns his hand just slightly, the mala beads wrapped around his own wrist sliding gently over skin. ]
You don't know what I believe, Dean.
[ His own faith might have slowly deteriorated over the course of those several years, but he's found that belief is far more distinct than knowing. Castiel knows what exists out there, all those things he's seen and experienced, but trying to grasp for a meaning in all of it circles back to the existence he's carved for himself in that camp with Dean more than anything else. Now it's here, and he doesn't regret that.
How could he with the way things are? ]
Because you're different doesn't mean it's wrong. Maybe it's-- I like you whatever way you are regardless of the past. [ Since he knows everything still lies underneath; it just takes effort to reach it. He lifts his eyes to meet Dean's carefully. ] And if that's the plan, I'm with you.
[ the words are surprising, but dean doesn't fight them. he doesn't really know what cas believes anymore, can't tell at all, not like he might have once. this cas is open with him, just as he is closed off in a way which leaves dean always wondering, always surprised. he keeps him on his toes, even during those moments where dean's certain cas will finally walk away from him, finally leave him to whatever shitty fate awaits him.
yet he still hasn't, always only offers him words of sticking to his side.
and if that's the plan, i'm with you.
dean breathes a relieved sound, presses just an inch closer to him as his voice drops a note lower. ]
I knew you would be... Which is why I want you to remain on good terms with him, too. [ so no fighting with the other cas, no sabotaging him, no nothing. ]
We want his trust.
[ so when the time comes, he'll stand with them, not against them. ]
Castiel catches himself frowning a little at the comment, but he doesn't fight it. Whatever this is panning out to be, there's no point in questioning it. The angel might have the power they don't to help them finish the job, and maybe, if he's patient enough, Castiel can take what he's wanted to take from him since learning how possible it might actually be. There's a soft noise of confirmation, and then, without really thinking about it, he's stepping closer too.
He drops the hold on Dean's wrist for something better, slipping both arms around his neck as casual as he pleases. ]
I'll be nice to him. [ There's a smirk. ] After all, I know him better than anyone else.
[ An understatement considering. He might not know the specifics of the angel's amnesia - whether it's permanent or not - but he knows the basis of his existence and the finer details. The shape of his wings, the glint of his halo. Castiel knows it all, and he wants it back.
A low sigh, and he bumps their foreheads together, lingering there for only a moment before withdrawing. ]
But I'd prefer not to discuss it any further than that. [ Because he's getting jealous. ]
[ there's that smirk which makes dean want to bite cas' mouth, press his own to it and slide his tongue right over castiel's bottom lip. instead there are arms around him suddenly, cas pressing in close and all but forcing dean to slide his own hands to cas' waist. there's something of a tilt to his head at those words though, his being murmured against cas' mouth as he takes back the space cas leaned away from. ]
Why not?
[ it's almost amused, and also curious. discussing battle plans, missions, whatever, has never sat wrong by cas. so why now? this is especially important, and he needs them both on the same page so nothing goes wrong.
these early moments, when castiel is still uninfluenced, are the most crucial. ]
His presence here again-- it's refreshing.
[ but only in that it gives dean a new angle to play, a new shot at everything. ]
[ He pauses, eyes falling closed with that proximity, but everything has him tensing up again at the thought, of the words Dean says as if it's not even occurred to him. Castiel doesn't want to look weak with those insecurities, the leery way he feels in regards to the angel being there at all. He'd almost been happy to know he'd disappeared, but now? Blue focuses almost intensely on Dean's face. ]
I don't like him. [ It's really that easy. ] That you want to get close to him is-- I don't like that either.
[ Which makes him sound indecisive. Which is envy at his very core, and it's the selfish notion that he doesn't have to share Dean with someone better in ways he could never be again that stings.
His hands move up, pushing through the short strands of Dean's hair to mold to the shape of his skull. It gets them relatively closer than any time before, and he struggles not to sink into it, wanting the heat and whatever reassurance that offers him. Even if it's warm in the room, he feels oddly cold. He doesn't look away from him. ]
If we use him, that's all it's going to be.
[ He's not going fight himself for the attention he's worked hard to get, and he doesn't care how it sounds. ]
[ there's something here, something right under the surface. like a frozen lake, so easy to crack but still concealed, still whole. something written in the intensity of that gaze, the press of that body against his, and the fingers that slide through his hair. their new proximity registers within, sparks want but dean holds himself still, doesn't break contact, doesn't look away.
i don't like him.
that you want to get close to him is-- i don't like that either.
so curious, and maybe before, from the words alone, dean would draw conclusions. but petty emotions, such as what cas might be suggesting, haven't really passed through as a possibility for dean yet, so he only arches a brow. there's something here, and he wants to know what.
his voice is barely above a whisper as he leans in, even but curious. help him understand this. ]
What else do you fear it might be?
[ put it into words, so it's not lost in translation. he wants them on the same page, on the same note. he needs them there, for cas to be one with him as much as he can, so they can be as efficient as they need to, so they'll never fail.
if there are boundaries, limitations, dean needs to know. ]
[ He doesn't fear anything. Not what Dean thinks it might be, if he thinks anything at all. Not what it should be or could be. These straightforward conversations are incredibly exhausting, pulling at him from the inside, and it's frivolous to assume what he feels is okay. He doesn't even know what it is, has no real words for it to explain how much he hates himself and needs Dean to only see him.
Castiel presses in slightly with his fingers, biting at his lip as he looks at Dean's and considers distracting him instead.
But maybe this is important. He wants it to be. ]
He has what I can't give you. And - [ A breath, a sigh, a resignation. ] - I don't want to leave again.
[ Be shoved out, forced to go somewhere and be left to his own devices. He could do it, he supposes, but the aftermath would not be a pretty one. He'd tried when he'd found Dean missing. He'd tried when Dean had told him to never come back. He'd tried but hadn't gotten anywhere at all out of some insufferable hopelessness that's attached itself to him.
Castiel also lowers his voice, a softer whisper against the edge of Dean's mouth. ]
[ it only takes a few words -- he has what i can't give you -- and dean's spinning them, pinning cas to the wall behind him with his own body. his mouth finds cas', hovers just inches above. ]
No, he doesn't.
[ he wants to bite the words from cas' mouth before they ever have a chance to fall, but he knows this all needs to be said, and now. but it... almost pains him, twinges something in him that makes him wish there was no need to ever say something like this. before, back in their world, dean might have cast castiel aside at the chance of the angel, to use him against the devil, to use him him in every way.
but not here.
not now.
not anymore. ]
You don't have to chase me. Not if... not if you're honest with me. No secrets, remember?
[ because that's why he'd cast cas out the last time. he hadn't enjoyed it, not one bit, but it had been because of the betrayal, of the lies and activity with lucifer more than anything. but since they were past that, since he can now press himself flush against cas, feel the blazing heat of him through his clothes, see the beads of water, the damp hair-- could just lean in and lick away...
it's not going to happen, not unless cas himself invites trouble into their life. ]
He's made it a point not to keep them anymore, purposely avoiding anything that might be subject to secrecy. Castiel makes a habit of taking those things and running with them, of placing them somewhere far out of reach and unintentionally hiding them until he's caught in the midst of something he can't back his way out of. He doesn't want that anymore, his back aching with the shove into the wall. It's the unexpected press of Dean's body that has him almost fighting it, squirming just a little until he's so close he's breathing in the air Dean exhales and sucking down his words.
no secrets
Castiel nods absently as he tries to focus on anything beyond the smaller details, the easy way they fall together only after a few weeks of finally settling into this sort of rhythm. But it doesn't work, turning just enough to rub his nose against Dean's. ]
You want honesty? [ And there's a second, when he pauses, that his pulse echoes loud in his head, like it's the only thing he can hear. He notices the inhale he takes, the strange pressure of the words as he opens his mouth to speak. His fingers tremble. Castiel curls his hand tight into the fabric of Dean's t-shirt and tries to hold him even closer. ] See only me.
[ There's the slightest kiss to the side of the other man's mouth, a hint of desperation to it. ]
[ yes, he wants honesty. sometimes it feels like asking for that and nothing else is too much for the people around him to deliver. he wonders if it's because of him, something he's done, to make them like this.
but now he's asking again, and he just needs cas to give him that. give him the honesty he asks for. ]
Who else would I see.
[ thing is, he does only see cas. it's always been cas, always him above the others. for the longest time, he hasn't had sam, no one but cas there to watch him ruin himself and those around him. and maybe they didn't share a relationship as they do now, back then, but that doesn't change the fact that cas has always been the only one worthy of anything in dean's eyes after sam had said yes. he just didn't have the sanity, the clarity, to say as much back then.
here he has both of them, here he knows sam is safer than he ever was back home. here, he can look at cas and taste, take, and breathe the words he's always wanted to into the seam of his friend's lips.
dean sinks into the heat of cas' mouth, pushes past those lips and presses himself inside. he's heard all that he needs to, wants nothing more than this right now, so he'll take, damn it. he'll take what's being offered him with that quiet, desperate please. ]
...C'mere.
[ rather than pushing him further into the wall, dean's tugging cas away from it, taking steps back towards their shared mattress.
he knows he could demand the same of cas -- see only me, no one else but me, not other-me, not anyone -- but he won't. can't. eve if he might want to.
for now, getting cas on that goddamn mattress is enough. ]
Anyone, he wants to say. Anyone who is better, who can be even more useful, who would give more than he possibly could like this. It sits heavy in his mouth, almost sour. Castiel can feel it bubbling to the surface, wanting to be spoken and explained. If he could drive all that doubt from himself or Dean, if he could become stronger again so that he never let him down, he would take it in an instant. They're discussing befriending the other him, an angel with working grace that hasn't been subjected to his brothers and sisters abandoning the earth, someone who could, potentially, take from him what he struggled to keep, and it pains him to know that jealously when there should be no reason for it. Dean's words give him some hope, a wavering sense of accomplishment that's drowned out when he's kissed, but it doesn't completely negate it.
At least they have this, he supposes. At least this is theirs, and he leans into it without complaint, sucks at his bottom lip and nips at the edge of his tongue. Maybe he's needed this since seeing the other Dean, since dealing with someone who should know you just as well as you know yourself and doesn't. Maybe he's just needed the perfect excuse to put his hands on him.
Castiel stumbles a little when Dean pulls, but he doesn't resist, following after almost too willingly and opening his eyes to look at him. This is... more insistent than anything either of them have taken besides those shared kisses, and it makes his blood warm, makes his skin heat at the thought. He gently eases to his knees on the bed and curls his fingers around Dean's, silently demanding as he pulls him down so they're level. So he can rest their foreheads together for only a moment before pressing to kiss him again and wrap himself around him. Closer, he needs to be closer.
There's a sharp breath, deciding to switch tactics. Switch moves just as they've switched positions. ]
I've been thinking. [ He mumbles it against his mouth, licking at the corner. Feeling the need to elaborate, Castiel sighs. ] About you.
[ there's fire in those kisses, neediness and eagerness dean has been tasting only sparks of so far in their shared moments. but it's here now, just under the surface, and he thinks there's no turning back from this, that he wants all of it, wants more than what he's been given so far. his knees dig into the mattress, body presses against castiel's, leaving little to no space between them while his hands roam over the unfamiliar planes of his torso. his shirt covering cas' body leaves his fingers from touching skin, though his mouth is free to press harder against castiel's, pulling kisses from him with no room to breathe. the taste of his is intoxicating, just like this situation is building up to be.
it's only when cas presses their foreheads together that dean has a moment to breathe, to think once more.
not that he manages any words, and instead his hands finally slip lower, come to the hem of that shirt and then ride upwards, up, up, right until their disappear beneath, skimming over his chest, feeling everything they can with little shame.
dean hasn't really thought about this yet, of taking more. doing more. the hot, lick-bite kisses of their have been enough, have lit him up on the inside with such fire that he's been content, had gotten more from those exchanges than anything else before.
but now that they're here, now that it's only a matter of pushing cas into the mattress-- he wants, and it stirs fire in his veins, rushes it right down through his body. it's exactly what he does a moment later, as cas mumbles into the corner of his mouth, leaves visions of something dirty flashing across his mind with those quick words. he presses him down, crowds over him without letting any space come between them. ]
Yeah? Should probably find something better to think about.
[ he's only quiet for a breath longer, green watching carefully now. the words are a little self-deprecating, so he adds quietly; ]
[ There's a huff of something that could be considered laughter, looking up at him when he's pushed down and taking those few seconds to cup the side of his face. His fingers trace the line of his jaw, up to the edge of his ear, and Castiel palms his cheek almost gently, eyes sliding to meet Dean's without hesitation. ]
They are always good thoughts, Dean. [ Most of the time. ] I think-- I have put you together, but never once have I ever wondered what it would be like to watch you fall apart.
[ He keeps his voice steady and low, spreading his legs to make room for Dean between them and arching up against him for contact. It's the intimacy he likes, addicted to it now that he knows this is fine, this is more than okay, and the memory of those hands tracing over bare skin have him wanting more. So much more. Castiel licks at his lip and stretches to kiss the corner of Dean's mouth, bite at it and kiss him deep. The slide of tongue, the heat of him so prominent and there —
A hand pushes into Dean's hair, and he rolls his hips up. ]
I want you.
[ Just in case he's not getting it. Just in case all those words aren't getting the job done. He'd always found it an odd habit to pick up, seducing with more syllables than necessary, but the more direct approach hadn't nearly been as promising as the other. Dean's different, is the arguing thought. He isn't any of the women in the camp, the faceless others he's had and sent on their way. He needs that confirmation in as short a form as possible, and he hooks his foot at the bend in Dean's knee, trying to drag himself closer as he kisses it into his skin. Want, want, want.
His other hand wanders, blocking out anything else save for Dean and this room and the bed they're spread out on. ]
[ castiel's fingers on his face are gentle as they trace his skin, and dean-- it threatens to drown him, such a simple thing as those touches. right now all he can see is cas, all he can feel is his hands on him, and it's all he wants. right there and here, is everything he desires. no one's touched him like this, not in a long time and he feels himself suck in a breath at those words. his own are steady, but careful. ]
You have seen me fall apart.
[ but not in the way cas is suggesting.
dean opens up easily enough for the kisses, groans into the slide and bite as he settles between cas' legs. it's good, bordering on becoming familiar, right until cas rolls his hips for friction, for obvious need and dean moans quietly. the words drive the point home, that this is going beyond the usual hungry kisses, and dean-- he finds himself more than alright with that, wants this to go further, wants all of him, wants him right now.
dean's used to a simple routine that doesn't fit anything he and cas have between them. he's used to shoving, for clothes to come off just enough for the deed to be done, he's done for a quick, rough press-push-take and driving the point home, forcing the pleasure out for that single, mind-numbing moment. no words, no kisses, none of that.
yet here, he has so much more he almost doesn't know what to do about it. ]
Then this needs to come off.
[ this time his voice holds more humor, something quietly pleased. a hand pushes up at cas' shirt, exposing skin before latching down, fingers dragging greedily over his friend's torso. gentle, nice-- he's not sure how to go about that, so he does it how he knows; greedy and to the point. including when he bends down, bites at cas' mouth and forces entry. ]
[ There's a shuddering sort of breath, and he wonders, for the briefest second, if he's understanding any of this right. The almost teasing tone, the way Dean kisses him and the pressure of his hands, the bite of his fingers as he scratches at him. He sighs and shifts, breaking the kiss to discard the shirt he'd only just put on, and though Castiel hardly feels any modesty being naked, there's something strange about it being like this. Only partially undressed, and he's far more exposed than he's ever been, looking up at him with wide eyes.
Time to wake up. Time to do something about all of this desire sitting heavy between them.
Castiel leans up on his elbows, nipping at Dean's mouth and the curve of his jaw. He licks a path to his ear and spends a rather lengthy minute biting at the lobe, reddening the skin underneath and making sure Dean knows exactly where he wants this to go. He's fascinated by the texture and taste of him, nuzzling into the side of his cheek and breathing just to breathe. But he wants more, always more than what's being offered to him, and he falls back, laughing quietly as he pulls him to him. ]
You next.
[ But rather than go for his shirt, Castiel is sliding his hands down his sides and squeezing at his hips, rubbing against him for even more of that friction. Jeans are so problematic for such a situation as this, and he drags his thumb over the button, pressing in slightly before hooking his fingers in and popping it open. The zipper gives of its own accord, not much to do except trace the warm skin around his navel. A dare to go a little lower, dipping just inside, and he kisses him whisper-soft.
The restraint he has here is phenomenal, especially when all he feels like doing is pushing Dean on his back and taking him with his mouth. ]
... tell me you want this. [ Because he needs to hear that confirmation just as much as he can feel it, is desperate to have Dean write it into his flesh with his hands and suck it into his body with his lips. Still, he doesn't wait for an answer and pushes his fingers down, sliding under the material of those jeans to press right against him and squeeze. ]
[ dean sucks in another breath, this one sharper, sudden under all the kisses and touches. fire pools low in his stomach, harder and faster than he would have thought, setting every nerve in him into overdrive, and he just wants. cas' mouth at his ear gets another low sound, a harsh breath as he press into the ministration, silently asking for more.
he could take, demand, but...
but this is good, too. he can learn this, get used to it.
with cas' shirt off, it gives dean a good view of the skin he's seen a hundred times before, but never wanted. not like he does now. he wants to press his mouth to it, bite half-moon marks into it and mark it as his, wants to lick and taste it, breathe in the scent of him. yet, despite everything he wants, he pauses some to simply admire castiel's lean torso, letting a hand come to sculpt at the expanse of it, over his stomach and up his chest...
this, too, is something he hasn't done in so long.
the command gets dean to react quickly, has him tugging off his shirt in no time at all. his body is the same as ever, as he knows cas has seen him shirtless, and more, plenty of times before. even if he hadn't, the scarring from various missions, from close calls with croats and demons, from chasing after lucifer, mark his body every which way. he's not ashamed of them, finds each just another reminder of the mistakes he's made, of what he'd let sam become... and most vibrantly, still, lingers the once angel's hand print over his shoulder.
it almost aches now, just like the rest of him, as cas' fingers dip and explore just beneath his navel.
where his scars bear him no shame, how... into this he is, and how fast, does. somewhat. it doesn't really show, but he feels it burn brighter inside, scorches at him when he bites down a growl the moment cas' hand squeezes. ]
...Fuck
[ is that enough of an answer? or maybe... ]
Don't tease me.
[ this time the sound very much is a growl, one he bites into the side of cas' neck roughly, makes sure to leave a mark which will be fucking seen the next day. both hands skim over cas' torso now, blunt nails dragging down over the sides of him, to a sharply angled hip, over the back of him round down and past the waist of his pants, over cas' ass, to touch all of him. ]
[ A rough exhale, and he has to stop his hand from doing as it pleases, arching into each graze of Dean's fingers and the firm slide of his palms as he touches him. He could get used to this, turned on by the simple knowledge that it's Dean doing this to him and that it's mutual. The consent alone rushes excitement straight to his belly and down between his legs, and he makes a soft noise, rubbing himself against the edge of a thigh for more. For Dean to give him everything, to peel off the rest of his clothes and feel just what this is doing to him.
He'd have never imagined this, but now that he has it, he can't let it go. ]
I'm not teasing.
[ It's breathless, the beginning of a groan as he drags his hand free to push at the edge of Dean's jeans in an attempt to get them over his hips. Both hands slide everything over the swell of his ass, and he drags his nails over skin before sliding his fingers around to grip his dick. He wants to look, tipping his head forward just for a second to watch the glide of his hand around him. It seems... right. It feels better than right. He strokes him a little harder and leans back into the mattress, trying to spread himself out.
He needs more than the slight pressure he's getting from rocking against him, and Castiel sighs. ]
Touch me. [ It's not so much a command as it is a plea, kissing at the side of Dean's jaw and the exposed part of his throat. ] Please--
[ And there it is, the softest whine as he strains to get more and give more in the same breath. He's hard in his jeans, and none of this is as slow as he'd have liked to take it. Draw it out, feel the pleasure of it straight through him in every inch of his body. But then again, he supposes he and Dean have been dancing around this for years already. Even before they knew it could have become this, before anything at all.
He shuts his eyes and groans his name. please, please. Do something. ]
[ it's mutual, it's so mutual it has dean ready to burst. and with that need, the burning under his skin would leave his hands shaking if they weren't plastered to cas. this is overwhelming, from the fact that he's getting down to it, that it's another man, to the most terrifying fact of it being cas' body laid out for him, cas' hand wrapped around him.
yes, you are.
he wants to breathe it into cas' mouth, lick it against cas' tongue, because he is. he's teasing him just by existing right now, just by being there, and dean doesn't know what to do about it. there are too many options, too much he wants, and where he's usually so good at just taking, all of what he knows is falling into darkness now, clouded by his body being in overdrive.
and the blame is on cas.
then, cas is sliding a hand over his hips, pushing away at fabric, groping at his ass, spreading himself out, and stroking harder-- ]
Fuck, fuck-- easy, easy...
[ so fast, too fast. this is all gonna end too soon if cas keeps the pace up. wrapping a hand over cas' wrist, he stills the jerking despite how he knows he could ride that alone to a finish. but it'd be lonely, and they're only just getting started here. he wants this to last for now, if only because neither of them know if this'll happen again. ]
I got you.
[ hands at either sides of cas' hips, dean unbuttons the front of cas' jeans with an easy flick of his hand. he can feel the too-hot heat of him just beneath the fabric, knows this is getting to cas as much as it is to him... and while there would be mercy in just letting him free, in tugging out castiel's dick, instead dean palms roughly over the hard shape, gropes at him through the front of his pants. if cas is allowed to tease, so is dean.
he's dipped lower too, mouth further down away from cas', biting and sucking a mark into cas' collar bone, then slipping more... right until he's dragging teeth over a nipple. it isn't until then that dean's pulling away at the band of his boxers too, freeing cas, and letting fingers ghost over the length of him. almost careful, he barely touches, only hovers-- right until he's biting down, just beneath cas' chest, hard and bruising. ]
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indecadence) wrote2013-05-24 08:48 pm
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green finds the slope of cas' neck for a moment, then he's moving to get up, hand on the wall behind him. ]
No. I'll go alone. [ sorry, this is gonna be a solo trip. he wants to make his own assessments and impressions without cas there to mess things up for him.
but he does pause to look at him for a beat. ]
Does Sam know about other-me? He might be a problem.
[ last thing dean needs is the other him whispering bad things about him to sam... ]
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It has him hesitating, something pulling at his chest. ]
I haven't spoken with Sam yet. [ A breath. ] I came to you first.
[ And then, he's giving into that tugging urge to face the other man, oddly relieved to find him just a little closer. Less distracted by whatever he was doing before, more focused on him and the conversation. Castiel won't say he isn't pleased with the attention--even if they're talking about the angel. ]
And I didn't tell the other you that you were here. [ Didn't see a point in it. ]
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Good.
[ well done, on bot accounts. he needs the surprise to be at his advantage is case something happens. that is, unless of course sam beats him into telling his other-self he's here. sam wouldn't withhold the information, not from the dean he knows better.
probably likes better too.
dean shoves the thought away, and instead looks at cas. ]
With some luck, we'll be able to jog his memories... And maybe this time, he can help. The last one was... [ an asshole.
dean steps past him. ]
Well, I'll go about it differently this time.
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Because they're talking about the angel again.
Dean's talking about the angel. ]
What are you hoping he'll remember? [ His voice cracks just slightly. ] ... how will it be any different than last time?
[ Does he mean that he can have some useful Castiel who won't lose his grace and help him with the mission? One that won't disagree to any idea put into his head like the other had? He still hasn't mentioned to Dean the possibility of actually taking his grace from the angel, but the thought just sits at the back of his mind as he looks at him, eyes a little wide and mouth twisted thin.
What is he missing here? ]
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As long as he remember what he is enough to use the power he has? The rest doesn't matter.
[ it's almost ruthless. but he doesn't care much for the castiel of the past, or of a different timeline. he has his cas, has him in a way dean had never expected and that's more than enough for him.
but he does add, after a moment of hesitation; ]
If he were to find out... I'm the way I am, he won't help me.
[ much like what had happened with the previous cas. they realize he's not their dean, he isn't the weaker version, and they stay away, find him something of an abomination.
but then maybe... ]
Unless of course I befriend him first. That could work, too.
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Well. He can't quite help it now, reaching out to touch Dean anywhere he can. His fingers settle on his wrist, slipping around it easily just for the sake of contact. It's difficult to think when it's all he's really wanted to do since he'd dragged himself in from the rain. ]
There's nothing wrong with the way you are.
[ Not to Castiel, not really. They are who they are because of the things they've done, and it's not going to change how they're perceived. If the older Castiel had understood that, perhaps he wouldn't have been so harsh with either of them. Then again, an angel was a stranger to sympathy for things they did not understand.
He strokes his thumb along the underside, looking at him. ]
If he listens, what are you going to do?
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instead, he scoffs at the words, looking away for a moment. ]
Even you can't believe that.
[ he is different.
he is... worse than the other one, despite claiming otherwise. he's distant, he doesn't always feel like himself, hasn't in a long time, and he's been out of touch with certain qualities in life, certain aspects of himself and people. he doesn't necessarily want to be the person he'd once been, there was weakness in that, which had cost him sam, but...
sometimes he still finds himself envious. to have sam's affections easier, castiel's too...
he looks at cas again. ]
Use him for everything he's worth.
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You don't know what I believe, Dean.
[ His own faith might have slowly deteriorated over the course of those several years, but he's found that belief is far more distinct than knowing. Castiel knows what exists out there, all those things he's seen and experienced, but trying to grasp for a meaning in all of it circles back to the existence he's carved for himself in that camp with Dean more than anything else. Now it's here, and he doesn't regret that.
How could he with the way things are? ]
Because you're different doesn't mean it's wrong. Maybe it's-- I like you whatever way you are regardless of the past. [ Since he knows everything still lies underneath; it just takes effort to reach it. He lifts his eyes to meet Dean's carefully. ] And if that's the plan, I'm with you.
[ Whatever it might mean, he'll do it. ]
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yet he still hasn't, always only offers him words of sticking to his side.
and if that's the plan, i'm with you.
dean breathes a relieved sound, presses just an inch closer to him as his voice drops a note lower. ]
I knew you would be... Which is why I want you to remain on good terms with him, too. [ so no fighting with the other cas, no sabotaging him, no nothing. ]
We want his trust.
[ so when the time comes, he'll stand with them, not against them. ]
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Castiel catches himself frowning a little at the comment, but he doesn't fight it. Whatever this is panning out to be, there's no point in questioning it. The angel might have the power they don't to help them finish the job, and maybe, if he's patient enough, Castiel can take what he's wanted to take from him since learning how possible it might actually be. There's a soft noise of confirmation, and then, without really thinking about it, he's stepping closer too.
He drops the hold on Dean's wrist for something better, slipping both arms around his neck as casual as he pleases. ]
I'll be nice to him. [ There's a smirk. ] After all, I know him better than anyone else.
[ An understatement considering. He might not know the specifics of the angel's amnesia - whether it's permanent or not - but he knows the basis of his existence and the finer details. The shape of his wings, the glint of his halo. Castiel knows it all, and he wants it back.
A low sigh, and he bumps their foreheads together, lingering there for only a moment before withdrawing. ]
But I'd prefer not to discuss it any further than that. [ Because he's getting jealous. ]
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Why not?
[ it's almost amused, and also curious. discussing battle plans, missions, whatever, has never sat wrong by cas. so why now? this is especially important, and he needs them both on the same page so nothing goes wrong.
these early moments, when castiel is still uninfluenced, are the most crucial. ]
His presence here again-- it's refreshing.
[ but only in that it gives dean a new angle to play, a new shot at everything. ]
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I don't like him. [ It's really that easy. ] That you want to get close to him is-- I don't like that either.
[ Which makes him sound indecisive. Which is envy at his very core, and it's the selfish notion that he doesn't have to share Dean with someone better in ways he could never be again that stings.
His hands move up, pushing through the short strands of Dean's hair to mold to the shape of his skull. It gets them relatively closer than any time before, and he struggles not to sink into it, wanting the heat and whatever reassurance that offers him. Even if it's warm in the room, he feels oddly cold. He doesn't look away from him. ]
If we use him, that's all it's going to be.
[ He's not going fight himself for the attention he's worked hard to get, and he doesn't care how it sounds. ]
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i don't like him.
that you want to get close to him is-- i don't like that either.
so curious, and maybe before, from the words alone, dean would draw conclusions. but petty emotions, such as what cas might be suggesting, haven't really passed through as a possibility for dean yet, so he only arches a brow. there's something here, and he wants to know what.
his voice is barely above a whisper as he leans in, even but curious. help him understand this. ]
What else do you fear it might be?
[ put it into words, so it's not lost in translation. he wants them on the same page, on the same note. he needs them there, for cas to be one with him as much as he can, so they can be as efficient as they need to, so they'll never fail.
if there are boundaries, limitations, dean needs to know. ]
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Castiel presses in slightly with his fingers, biting at his lip as he looks at Dean's and considers distracting him instead.
But maybe this is important. He wants it to be. ]
He has what I can't give you. And - [ A breath, a sigh, a resignation. ] - I don't want to leave again.
[ Be shoved out, forced to go somewhere and be left to his own devices. He could do it, he supposes, but the aftermath would not be a pretty one. He'd tried when he'd found Dean missing. He'd tried when Dean had told him to never come back. He'd tried but hadn't gotten anywhere at all out of some insufferable hopelessness that's attached itself to him.
Castiel also lowers his voice, a softer whisper against the edge of Dean's mouth. ]
I want to stand beside you, not chase after you.
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No, he doesn't.
[ he wants to bite the words from cas' mouth before they ever have a chance to fall, but he knows this all needs to be said, and now. but it... almost pains him, twinges something in him that makes him wish there was no need to ever say something like this. before, back in their world, dean might have cast castiel aside at the chance of the angel, to use him against the devil, to use him him in every way.
but not here.
not now.
not anymore. ]
You don't have to chase me. Not if... not if you're honest with me. No secrets, remember?
[ because that's why he'd cast cas out the last time. he hadn't enjoyed it, not one bit, but it had been because of the betrayal, of the lies and activity with lucifer more than anything. but since they were past that, since he can now press himself flush against cas, feel the blazing heat of him through his clothes, see the beads of water, the damp hair-- could just lean in and lick away...
it's not going to happen, not unless cas himself invites trouble into their life. ]
Alright?
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He's made it a point not to keep them anymore, purposely avoiding anything that might be subject to secrecy. Castiel makes a habit of taking those things and running with them, of placing them somewhere far out of reach and unintentionally hiding them until he's caught in the midst of something he can't back his way out of. He doesn't want that anymore, his back aching with the shove into the wall. It's the unexpected press of Dean's body that has him almost fighting it, squirming just a little until he's so close he's breathing in the air Dean exhales and sucking down his words.
no secrets
Castiel nods absently as he tries to focus on anything beyond the smaller details, the easy way they fall together only after a few weeks of finally settling into this sort of rhythm. But it doesn't work, turning just enough to rub his nose against Dean's. ]
You want honesty? [ And there's a second, when he pauses, that his pulse echoes loud in his head, like it's the only thing he can hear. He notices the inhale he takes, the strange pressure of the words as he opens his mouth to speak. His fingers tremble. Castiel curls his hand tight into the fabric of Dean's t-shirt and tries to hold him even closer. ] See only me.
[ There's the slightest kiss to the side of the other man's mouth, a hint of desperation to it. ]
I'm right here, so... Please.
[ don't look anywhere else ]
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but now he's asking again, and he just needs cas to give him that. give him the honesty he asks for. ]
Who else would I see.
[ thing is, he does only see cas. it's always been cas, always him above the others. for the longest time, he hasn't had sam, no one but cas there to watch him ruin himself and those around him. and maybe they didn't share a relationship as they do now, back then, but that doesn't change the fact that cas has always been the only one worthy of anything in dean's eyes after sam had said yes. he just didn't have the sanity, the clarity, to say as much back then.
here he has both of them, here he knows sam is safer than he ever was back home. here, he can look at cas and taste, take, and breathe the words he's always wanted to into the seam of his friend's lips.
dean sinks into the heat of cas' mouth, pushes past those lips and presses himself inside. he's heard all that he needs to, wants nothing more than this right now, so he'll take, damn it. he'll take what's being offered him with that quiet, desperate please. ]
...C'mere.
[ rather than pushing him further into the wall, dean's tugging cas away from it, taking steps back towards their shared mattress.
he knows he could demand the same of cas -- see only me, no one else but me, not other-me, not anyone -- but he won't. can't. eve if he might want to.
for now, getting cas on that goddamn mattress is enough. ]
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Anyone, he wants to say. Anyone who is better, who can be even more useful, who would give more than he possibly could like this. It sits heavy in his mouth, almost sour. Castiel can feel it bubbling to the surface, wanting to be spoken and explained. If he could drive all that doubt from himself or Dean, if he could become stronger again so that he never let him down, he would take it in an instant. They're discussing befriending the other him, an angel with working grace that hasn't been subjected to his brothers and sisters abandoning the earth, someone who could, potentially, take from him what he struggled to keep, and it pains him to know that jealously when there should be no reason for it. Dean's words give him some hope, a wavering sense of accomplishment that's drowned out when he's kissed, but it doesn't completely negate it.
At least they have this, he supposes. At least this is theirs, and he leans into it without complaint, sucks at his bottom lip and nips at the edge of his tongue. Maybe he's needed this since seeing the other Dean, since dealing with someone who should know you just as well as you know yourself and doesn't. Maybe he's just needed the perfect excuse to put his hands on him.
Castiel stumbles a little when Dean pulls, but he doesn't resist, following after almost too willingly and opening his eyes to look at him. This is... more insistent than anything either of them have taken besides those shared kisses, and it makes his blood warm, makes his skin heat at the thought. He gently eases to his knees on the bed and curls his fingers around Dean's, silently demanding as he pulls him down so they're level. So he can rest their foreheads together for only a moment before pressing to kiss him again and wrap himself around him. Closer, he needs to be closer.
There's a sharp breath, deciding to switch tactics. Switch moves just as they've switched positions. ]
I've been thinking. [ He mumbles it against his mouth, licking at the corner. Feeling the need to elaborate, Castiel sighs. ] About you.
[ About how much he's sure he wants him. ]
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it's only when cas presses their foreheads together that dean has a moment to breathe, to think once more.
not that he manages any words, and instead his hands finally slip lower, come to the hem of that shirt and then ride upwards, up, up, right until their disappear beneath, skimming over his chest, feeling everything they can with little shame.
dean hasn't really thought about this yet, of taking more. doing more. the hot, lick-bite kisses of their have been enough, have lit him up on the inside with such fire that he's been content, had gotten more from those exchanges than anything else before.
but now that they're here, now that it's only a matter of pushing cas into the mattress-- he wants, and it stirs fire in his veins, rushes it right down through his body. it's exactly what he does a moment later, as cas mumbles into the corner of his mouth, leaves visions of something dirty flashing across his mind with those quick words. he presses him down, crowds over him without letting any space come between them. ]
Yeah? Should probably find something better to think about.
[ he's only quiet for a breath longer, green watching carefully now. the words are a little self-deprecating, so he adds quietly; ]
Good thoughts, I hope.
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They are always good thoughts, Dean. [ Most of the time. ] I think-- I have put you together, but never once have I ever wondered what it would be like to watch you fall apart.
[ He keeps his voice steady and low, spreading his legs to make room for Dean between them and arching up against him for contact. It's the intimacy he likes, addicted to it now that he knows this is fine, this is more than okay, and the memory of those hands tracing over bare skin have him wanting more. So much more. Castiel licks at his lip and stretches to kiss the corner of Dean's mouth, bite at it and kiss him deep. The slide of tongue, the heat of him so prominent and there —
A hand pushes into Dean's hair, and he rolls his hips up. ]
I want you.
[ Just in case he's not getting it. Just in case all those words aren't getting the job done. He'd always found it an odd habit to pick up, seducing with more syllables than necessary, but the more direct approach hadn't nearly been as promising as the other. Dean's different, is the arguing thought. He isn't any of the women in the camp, the faceless others he's had and sent on their way. He needs that confirmation in as short a form as possible, and he hooks his foot at the bend in Dean's knee, trying to drag himself closer as he kisses it into his skin. Want, want, want.
His other hand wanders, blocking out anything else save for Dean and this room and the bed they're spread out on. ]
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You have seen me fall apart.
[ but not in the way cas is suggesting.
dean opens up easily enough for the kisses, groans into the slide and bite as he settles between cas' legs. it's good, bordering on becoming familiar, right until cas rolls his hips for friction, for obvious need and dean moans quietly. the words drive the point home, that this is going beyond the usual hungry kisses, and dean-- he finds himself more than alright with that, wants this to go further, wants all of him, wants him right now.
dean's used to a simple routine that doesn't fit anything he and cas have between them. he's used to shoving, for clothes to come off just enough for the deed to be done, he's done for a quick, rough press-push-take and driving the point home, forcing the pleasure out for that single, mind-numbing moment. no words, no kisses, none of that.
yet here, he has so much more he almost doesn't know what to do about it. ]
Then this needs to come off.
[ this time his voice holds more humor, something quietly pleased. a hand pushes up at cas' shirt, exposing skin before latching down, fingers dragging greedily over his friend's torso. gentle, nice-- he's not sure how to go about that, so he does it how he knows; greedy and to the point. including when he bends down, bites at cas' mouth and forces entry. ]
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Time to wake up. Time to do something about all of this desire sitting heavy between them.
Castiel leans up on his elbows, nipping at Dean's mouth and the curve of his jaw. He licks a path to his ear and spends a rather lengthy minute biting at the lobe, reddening the skin underneath and making sure Dean knows exactly where he wants this to go. He's fascinated by the texture and taste of him, nuzzling into the side of his cheek and breathing just to breathe. But he wants more, always more than what's being offered to him, and he falls back, laughing quietly as he pulls him to him. ]
You next.
[ But rather than go for his shirt, Castiel is sliding his hands down his sides and squeezing at his hips, rubbing against him for even more of that friction. Jeans are so problematic for such a situation as this, and he drags his thumb over the button, pressing in slightly before hooking his fingers in and popping it open. The zipper gives of its own accord, not much to do except trace the warm skin around his navel. A dare to go a little lower, dipping just inside, and he kisses him whisper-soft.
The restraint he has here is phenomenal, especially when all he feels like doing is pushing Dean on his back and taking him with his mouth. ]
... tell me you want this. [ Because he needs to hear that confirmation just as much as he can feel it, is desperate to have Dean write it into his flesh with his hands and suck it into his body with his lips. Still, he doesn't wait for an answer and pushes his fingers down, sliding under the material of those jeans to press right against him and squeeze. ]
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he could take, demand, but...
but this is good, too. he can learn this, get used to it.
with cas' shirt off, it gives dean a good view of the skin he's seen a hundred times before, but never wanted. not like he does now. he wants to press his mouth to it, bite half-moon marks into it and mark it as his, wants to lick and taste it, breathe in the scent of him. yet, despite everything he wants, he pauses some to simply admire castiel's lean torso, letting a hand come to sculpt at the expanse of it, over his stomach and up his chest...
this, too, is something he hasn't done in so long.
the command gets dean to react quickly, has him tugging off his shirt in no time at all. his body is the same as ever, as he knows cas has seen him shirtless, and more, plenty of times before. even if he hadn't, the scarring from various missions, from close calls with croats and demons, from chasing after lucifer, mark his body every which way. he's not ashamed of them, finds each just another reminder of the mistakes he's made, of what he'd let sam become... and most vibrantly, still, lingers the once angel's hand print over his shoulder.
it almost aches now, just like the rest of him, as cas' fingers dip and explore just beneath his navel.
where his scars bear him no shame, how... into this he is, and how fast, does. somewhat. it doesn't really show, but he feels it burn brighter inside, scorches at him when he bites down a growl the moment cas' hand squeezes. ]
...Fuck
[ is that enough of an answer? or maybe... ]
Don't tease me.
[ this time the sound very much is a growl, one he bites into the side of cas' neck roughly, makes sure to leave a mark which will be fucking seen the next day. both hands skim over cas' torso now, blunt nails dragging down over the sides of him, to a sharply angled hip, over the back of him round down and past the waist of his pants, over cas' ass, to touch all of him. ]
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He'd have never imagined this, but now that he has it, he can't let it go. ]
I'm not teasing.
[ It's breathless, the beginning of a groan as he drags his hand free to push at the edge of Dean's jeans in an attempt to get them over his hips. Both hands slide everything over the swell of his ass, and he drags his nails over skin before sliding his fingers around to grip his dick. He wants to look, tipping his head forward just for a second to watch the glide of his hand around him. It seems... right. It feels better than right. He strokes him a little harder and leans back into the mattress, trying to spread himself out.
He needs more than the slight pressure he's getting from rocking against him, and Castiel sighs. ]
Touch me. [ It's not so much a command as it is a plea, kissing at the side of Dean's jaw and the exposed part of his throat. ] Please--
[ And there it is, the softest whine as he strains to get more and give more in the same breath. He's hard in his jeans, and none of this is as slow as he'd have liked to take it. Draw it out, feel the pleasure of it straight through him in every inch of his body. But then again, he supposes he and Dean have been dancing around this for years already. Even before they knew it could have become this, before anything at all.
He shuts his eyes and groans his name. please, please. Do something. ]
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yes, you are.
he wants to breathe it into cas' mouth, lick it against cas' tongue, because he is. he's teasing him just by existing right now, just by being there, and dean doesn't know what to do about it. there are too many options, too much he wants, and where he's usually so good at just taking, all of what he knows is falling into darkness now, clouded by his body being in overdrive.
and the blame is on cas.
then, cas is sliding a hand over his hips, pushing away at fabric, groping at his ass, spreading himself out, and stroking harder-- ]
Fuck, fuck-- easy, easy...
[ so fast, too fast. this is all gonna end too soon if cas keeps the pace up. wrapping a hand over cas' wrist, he stills the jerking despite how he knows he could ride that alone to a finish. but it'd be lonely, and they're only just getting started here. he wants this to last for now, if only because neither of them know if this'll happen again. ]
I got you.
[ hands at either sides of cas' hips, dean unbuttons the front of cas' jeans with an easy flick of his hand. he can feel the too-hot heat of him just beneath the fabric, knows this is getting to cas as much as it is to him... and while there would be mercy in just letting him free, in tugging out castiel's dick, instead dean palms roughly over the hard shape, gropes at him through the front of his pants. if cas is allowed to tease, so is dean.
he's dipped lower too, mouth further down away from cas', biting and sucking a mark into cas' collar bone, then slipping more... right until he's dragging teeth over a nipple. it isn't until then that dean's pulling away at the band of his boxers too, freeing cas, and letting fingers ghost over the length of him. almost careful, he barely touches, only hovers-- right until he's biting down, just beneath cas' chest, hard and bruising. ]
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