It's late by the time he drags himself back to the academic building and into the rooms they've slowly cleaned out. Even if it still needs some work, it's closer to a home than anything either of them have had in a long time, and he feels as if he's growing comfortable there. Maybe too much, dropping the bag he carries by the door and gently resting his gun on the table. He'd gone to the dorms heading back from the docks, drenched in rain and sweat and too much else to get off with a quick rubdown. It had given him time to think about all the things that had happened, what he should do about it.
Regardless of anything else, he had to discuss them with Dean. The others were back now, not having been particularly missed in the first place, and everything seemed far more complicated than last time.
He sighs, rubbing a hand over his face and idly scratching at the side of his jaw as he looks around. Still damp from the shower, the added bit of rain as he'd crossed the campus didn't help cool him down. It's hotter than he remembers the summers at camp being, and it's only something else to add to the list of what he has to adjust to by being here. Hands through his hair, he moves into one of the smaller rooms where Dean is and heads straight for where they keep their extra clothes. ]
Something happened today. [ Is all he offers in way of greeting, words muffled when he pulls himself out of his shirt and changes into a thinner one. ]
[ an odd sense of peace has settled over dean in the past few days. though obviously not enough to calm the anger, the argument which had erupted the day before, things have still gone right back to a stance of something normal, peaceful... they're starting to develop a routine now, with this new place of theirs, with how life is being lead. and dean's finding himself enjoying it more than he might let on.
of course, this new direction that his relationship with cas has taken might be to blame too. sort of.
it's warm at their place, but dean's found himself something to tinker with inside all the same, fixing this or that which still needs to be looked at, since the building they've partly taken over is hardly in perfect living condition still. so when compass isn't making their lives miserable, he's fixing it, much like right now, when cas walks inside.
dean's eyes lift from whatever he's doing, noting the damp hair, the cleaner look, and the his focus is back on the task he has at hand. ]
[ Much like anything else that's become theirs rather than his, Castiel doesn't give much attention to whose shirt he tugs on, pulling at the hem before turning around to address Dean. Castiel can't make out what it is he's doing exactly, but that's not important. It's what he has to say that will decide what mood he has to deal with in the next several minutes. ]
I assume you received the message COMPASS sent out. [ Not a question. He just goes on. ] I thought it would be worth looking into, so I went to the docks.
[ As he talks, he moves around the room and adjusts things here and there. An extra pair of shoes gets shoved back against the wall, a pair of jeans he thinks are his get pushed atop them--idly tidying up. All of this in the few seconds it takes to move closer to Dean. ]
Past you is here again. And the angel.
[ He doesn't think he needs to be specific, but he should probably mention the condition he'd found his other self in. ]
[ sure, he'd received the message. he hadn't really cared for it though, like he doesn't for much of anything compass might say. but hearing that cas had gone to docks isn't anything surprising either, so he waits patiently for once, for his friend to get to the point.
when the words finally come...
there's only mute surprise on dean's face. ]
Hm. [ past-him and castiel, then. of course. maybe he should be bothered, and maybe he is some, but... ]
To be expected. [ a brief look up at cas, then his eyes are back on what he's tinkering with, voice even. ]
Castiel could prove to be useful, even. That is... [ another pause, another glance. ]
[ There's a slight pause, and with the question, a smile spreads wide across his face. It's something that he doesn't laugh, feeling it in his chest, and Castiel crosses his arms, head dipping as he shakes it--that's a negative. ]
Past you didn't say much. [ Not a surprise, but he was incredibly dirty. ] And Castiel-- He doesn't remember anything at all.
[ Anything. He tries to add emphasis on it, slowly dropping his arms and stepping a bit closer to get Dean to meet his eyes. The fact the angel hadn't even recognized his face meant problems, and Castiel could not recall anything in his own history where he's suffered amnesia. His mouth thins a little, the smile present on his face slowly disappearing. ]
He didn't recognize me and said my name was strange. [ The name that they shared. It's troubling. ] How useful could that be?
[ the amusement which blooms so clearly over cas' face is a little unexpected, but dean doesn't bother asking what's tickling him so much about the answer. instead he just looks at him, the damp hair, his shirt which covers cas' lean body... eyes cautious and calm as he watches. ]
Anything?
[ that's... not right. ]
But he's still an angel, right? That's how.
[ because dean, this one, doesn't know of any other time castiel would fall except for his timeline, and the end product is the one standing in front of him now. that hadn't ever included amnesia... so maybe, despite his flawed memories, the new castiel is still an angel.
that means he has power, and power is something dean could always use. ]
[ He catches the look but doesn't comment, standing for a second longer before turning around again and giving Dean his back. For whatever reason, he feels restless and strange. Maybe it'd been the fact he'd met the other Dean halfway through the jungle and figured him to be a hallucination. Perhaps it's the settling notion that if his other self proved more valuable, he wouldn't matter, and that's why, he thinks, they hadn't gotten along very well in the weeks he had been here.
Being shoved out for something better-- ]
I don't know. I doubt he even knows what an angel is. [ There's a certain huff to his voice. ] But if you're going to see him, you should ask.
[ Which is hilarious, really. Even if Castiel isn't laughing this time. Hand to the bridge of his nose, and he pinches it just slightly to ease the pressure threatening to build there, glancing at Dean over a shoulder as if suddenly remembering something important. ]
It might be easier if I went with you. [ Since the angel sort of knows him now. ]
[ that's definitely something. a cas who doesn't even know his own name, let alone what he might be. whatever happened back in the better timeline sounds like a real mess. but dean's not entirely concerned about that. if cas has his powers, that's all that matters to him.
green finds the slope of cas' neck for a moment, then he's moving to get up, hand on the wall behind him. ]
No. I'll go alone. [ sorry, this is gonna be a solo trip. he wants to make his own assessments and impressions without cas there to mess things up for him.
but he does pause to look at him for a beat. ]
Does Sam know about other-me? He might be a problem.
[ last thing dean needs is the other him whispering bad things about him to sam... ]
[ He turns away again, arms crossing and his hands sliding to cup his elbows as he stands there listening to him. Of course he would choose to go alone. It really shouldn't surprise him, but it still worries him, unsure where that particular meeting would even go. What would an entirely clueless him do in the event he learned what he actually was? Would he ever remember Dean if he forgot him?
It has him hesitating, something pulling at his chest. ]
I haven't spoken with Sam yet. [ A breath. ] I came to you first.
[ And then, he's giving into that tugging urge to face the other man, oddly relieved to find him just a little closer. Less distracted by whatever he was doing before, more focused on him and the conversation. Castiel won't say he isn't pleased with the attention--even if they're talking about the angel. ]
And I didn't tell the other you that you were here. [ Didn't see a point in it. ]
[ the information lights up his eyes some, has him relaxing just a fraction and letting a relieved sigh. ]
Good.
[ well done, on bot accounts. he needs the surprise to be at his advantage is case something happens. that is, unless of course sam beats him into telling his other-self he's here. sam wouldn't withhold the information, not from the dean he knows better.
probably likes better too.
dean shoves the thought away, and instead looks at cas. ]
With some luck, we'll be able to jog his memories... And maybe this time, he can help. The last one was... [ an asshole.
[ Castiel wonders if he should feel as pleased as he does with that single word, chasing after it by meeting the look Dean gives him head-on. It's not as if he hadn't done anything spectacularly different, having used a bit of foresight. That, and the way past Dean had talked to him-- The frown that wrinkles his brow only lasts a moment.
Because they're talking about the angel again.
Dean's talking about the angel. ]
What are you hoping he'll remember? [ His voice cracks just slightly. ] ... how will it be any different than last time?
[ Does he mean that he can have some useful Castiel who won't lose his grace and help him with the mission? One that won't disagree to any idea put into his head like the other had? He still hasn't mentioned to Dean the possibility of actually taking his grace from the angel, but the thought just sits at the back of his mind as he looks at him, eyes a little wide and mouth twisted thin.
[ if dean realizes there's something off here, about cas, he doesn't say anything. instead, he just looks at cas with his own version of excitement, the spark of a plan, another mission becoming possible. ]
As long as he remember what he is enough to use the power he has? The rest doesn't matter.
[ it's almost ruthless. but he doesn't care much for the castiel of the past, or of a different timeline. he has his cas, has him in a way dean had never expected and that's more than enough for him.
but he does add, after a moment of hesitation; ]
If he were to find out... I'm the way I am, he won't help me.
[ much like what had happened with the previous cas. they realize he's not their dean, he isn't the weaker version, and they stay away, find him something of an abomination.
but then maybe... ]
Unless of course I befriend him first. That could work, too.
[ Of all things, he recognizes that look, and maybe he should be glad for it. That Dean has found something else to strive for, another plan that might be better than his own--even if he hadn't quite tested the theory yet. Castiel didn't have an issue tossing the angel to his death if it came to it; going against Lucifer was bound to cause that anyhow. But--
Well. He can't quite help it now, reaching out to touch Dean anywhere he can. His fingers settle on his wrist, slipping around it easily just for the sake of contact. It's difficult to think when it's all he's really wanted to do since he'd dragged himself in from the rain. ]
There's nothing wrong with the way you are.
[ Not to Castiel, not really. They are who they are because of the things they've done, and it's not going to change how they're perceived. If the older Castiel had understood that, perhaps he wouldn't have been so harsh with either of them. Then again, an angel was a stranger to sympathy for things they did not understand.
He strokes his thumb along the underside, looking at him. ]
[ the touch is a little surprising but not unwelcome. light, and warm, cas' fingers are slim where they find his wrist and dean doesn't spare a glance down to confirm what's going on, only keeps green trained on blue. beads of water, few and far between still dot cas' skin, and dean wants to lean in suddenly, trace them away with his mouth.
instead, he scoffs at the words, looking away for a moment. ]
Even you can't believe that.
[ he is different.
he is... worse than the other one, despite claiming otherwise. he's distant, he doesn't always feel like himself, hasn't in a long time, and he's been out of touch with certain qualities in life, certain aspects of himself and people. he doesn't necessarily want to be the person he'd once been, there was weakness in that, which had cost him sam, but...
sometimes he still finds himself envious. to have sam's affections easier, castiel's too...
[ He glances down then, focusing on the light path he takes with his fingers, and it's always the contrast he finds incredibly fascinating. Dean in comparison to him, how they're both roughened from the hardships they've faced but in different ways. Castiel turns his hand just slightly, the mala beads wrapped around his own wrist sliding gently over skin. ]
You don't know what I believe, Dean.
[ His own faith might have slowly deteriorated over the course of those several years, but he's found that belief is far more distinct than knowing. Castiel knows what exists out there, all those things he's seen and experienced, but trying to grasp for a meaning in all of it circles back to the existence he's carved for himself in that camp with Dean more than anything else. Now it's here, and he doesn't regret that.
How could he with the way things are? ]
Because you're different doesn't mean it's wrong. Maybe it's-- I like you whatever way you are regardless of the past. [ Since he knows everything still lies underneath; it just takes effort to reach it. He lifts his eyes to meet Dean's carefully. ] And if that's the plan, I'm with you.
[ the words are surprising, but dean doesn't fight them. he doesn't really know what cas believes anymore, can't tell at all, not like he might have once. this cas is open with him, just as he is closed off in a way which leaves dean always wondering, always surprised. he keeps him on his toes, even during those moments where dean's certain cas will finally walk away from him, finally leave him to whatever shitty fate awaits him.
yet he still hasn't, always only offers him words of sticking to his side.
and if that's the plan, i'm with you.
dean breathes a relieved sound, presses just an inch closer to him as his voice drops a note lower. ]
I knew you would be... Which is why I want you to remain on good terms with him, too. [ so no fighting with the other cas, no sabotaging him, no nothing. ]
We want his trust.
[ so when the time comes, he'll stand with them, not against them. ]
Castiel catches himself frowning a little at the comment, but he doesn't fight it. Whatever this is panning out to be, there's no point in questioning it. The angel might have the power they don't to help them finish the job, and maybe, if he's patient enough, Castiel can take what he's wanted to take from him since learning how possible it might actually be. There's a soft noise of confirmation, and then, without really thinking about it, he's stepping closer too.
He drops the hold on Dean's wrist for something better, slipping both arms around his neck as casual as he pleases. ]
I'll be nice to him. [ There's a smirk. ] After all, I know him better than anyone else.
[ An understatement considering. He might not know the specifics of the angel's amnesia - whether it's permanent or not - but he knows the basis of his existence and the finer details. The shape of his wings, the glint of his halo. Castiel knows it all, and he wants it back.
A low sigh, and he bumps their foreheads together, lingering there for only a moment before withdrawing. ]
But I'd prefer not to discuss it any further than that. [ Because he's getting jealous. ]
[ there's that smirk which makes dean want to bite cas' mouth, press his own to it and slide his tongue right over castiel's bottom lip. instead there are arms around him suddenly, cas pressing in close and all but forcing dean to slide his own hands to cas' waist. there's something of a tilt to his head at those words though, his being murmured against cas' mouth as he takes back the space cas leaned away from. ]
Why not?
[ it's almost amused, and also curious. discussing battle plans, missions, whatever, has never sat wrong by cas. so why now? this is especially important, and he needs them both on the same page so nothing goes wrong.
these early moments, when castiel is still uninfluenced, are the most crucial. ]
His presence here again-- it's refreshing.
[ but only in that it gives dean a new angle to play, a new shot at everything. ]
[ He pauses, eyes falling closed with that proximity, but everything has him tensing up again at the thought, of the words Dean says as if it's not even occurred to him. Castiel doesn't want to look weak with those insecurities, the leery way he feels in regards to the angel being there at all. He'd almost been happy to know he'd disappeared, but now? Blue focuses almost intensely on Dean's face. ]
I don't like him. [ It's really that easy. ] That you want to get close to him is-- I don't like that either.
[ Which makes him sound indecisive. Which is envy at his very core, and it's the selfish notion that he doesn't have to share Dean with someone better in ways he could never be again that stings.
His hands move up, pushing through the short strands of Dean's hair to mold to the shape of his skull. It gets them relatively closer than any time before, and he struggles not to sink into it, wanting the heat and whatever reassurance that offers him. Even if it's warm in the room, he feels oddly cold. He doesn't look away from him. ]
If we use him, that's all it's going to be.
[ He's not going fight himself for the attention he's worked hard to get, and he doesn't care how it sounds. ]
[ there's something here, something right under the surface. like a frozen lake, so easy to crack but still concealed, still whole. something written in the intensity of that gaze, the press of that body against his, and the fingers that slide through his hair. their new proximity registers within, sparks want but dean holds himself still, doesn't break contact, doesn't look away.
i don't like him.
that you want to get close to him is-- i don't like that either.
so curious, and maybe before, from the words alone, dean would draw conclusions. but petty emotions, such as what cas might be suggesting, haven't really passed through as a possibility for dean yet, so he only arches a brow. there's something here, and he wants to know what.
his voice is barely above a whisper as he leans in, even but curious. help him understand this. ]
What else do you fear it might be?
[ put it into words, so it's not lost in translation. he wants them on the same page, on the same note. he needs them there, for cas to be one with him as much as he can, so they can be as efficient as they need to, so they'll never fail.
if there are boundaries, limitations, dean needs to know. ]
[ He doesn't fear anything. Not what Dean thinks it might be, if he thinks anything at all. Not what it should be or could be. These straightforward conversations are incredibly exhausting, pulling at him from the inside, and it's frivolous to assume what he feels is okay. He doesn't even know what it is, has no real words for it to explain how much he hates himself and needs Dean to only see him.
Castiel presses in slightly with his fingers, biting at his lip as he looks at Dean's and considers distracting him instead.
But maybe this is important. He wants it to be. ]
He has what I can't give you. And - [ A breath, a sigh, a resignation. ] - I don't want to leave again.
[ Be shoved out, forced to go somewhere and be left to his own devices. He could do it, he supposes, but the aftermath would not be a pretty one. He'd tried when he'd found Dean missing. He'd tried when Dean had told him to never come back. He'd tried but hadn't gotten anywhere at all out of some insufferable hopelessness that's attached itself to him.
Castiel also lowers his voice, a softer whisper against the edge of Dean's mouth. ]
[ it only takes a few words -- he has what i can't give you -- and dean's spinning them, pinning cas to the wall behind him with his own body. his mouth finds cas', hovers just inches above. ]
No, he doesn't.
[ he wants to bite the words from cas' mouth before they ever have a chance to fall, but he knows this all needs to be said, and now. but it... almost pains him, twinges something in him that makes him wish there was no need to ever say something like this. before, back in their world, dean might have cast castiel aside at the chance of the angel, to use him against the devil, to use him him in every way.
but not here.
not now.
not anymore. ]
You don't have to chase me. Not if... not if you're honest with me. No secrets, remember?
[ because that's why he'd cast cas out the last time. he hadn't enjoyed it, not one bit, but it had been because of the betrayal, of the lies and activity with lucifer more than anything. but since they were past that, since he can now press himself flush against cas, feel the blazing heat of him through his clothes, see the beads of water, the damp hair-- could just lean in and lick away...
it's not going to happen, not unless cas himself invites trouble into their life. ]
He's made it a point not to keep them anymore, purposely avoiding anything that might be subject to secrecy. Castiel makes a habit of taking those things and running with them, of placing them somewhere far out of reach and unintentionally hiding them until he's caught in the midst of something he can't back his way out of. He doesn't want that anymore, his back aching with the shove into the wall. It's the unexpected press of Dean's body that has him almost fighting it, squirming just a little until he's so close he's breathing in the air Dean exhales and sucking down his words.
no secrets
Castiel nods absently as he tries to focus on anything beyond the smaller details, the easy way they fall together only after a few weeks of finally settling into this sort of rhythm. But it doesn't work, turning just enough to rub his nose against Dean's. ]
You want honesty? [ And there's a second, when he pauses, that his pulse echoes loud in his head, like it's the only thing he can hear. He notices the inhale he takes, the strange pressure of the words as he opens his mouth to speak. His fingers tremble. Castiel curls his hand tight into the fabric of Dean's t-shirt and tries to hold him even closer. ] See only me.
[ There's the slightest kiss to the side of the other man's mouth, a hint of desperation to it. ]
[ yes, he wants honesty. sometimes it feels like asking for that and nothing else is too much for the people around him to deliver. he wonders if it's because of him, something he's done, to make them like this.
but now he's asking again, and he just needs cas to give him that. give him the honesty he asks for. ]
Who else would I see.
[ thing is, he does only see cas. it's always been cas, always him above the others. for the longest time, he hasn't had sam, no one but cas there to watch him ruin himself and those around him. and maybe they didn't share a relationship as they do now, back then, but that doesn't change the fact that cas has always been the only one worthy of anything in dean's eyes after sam had said yes. he just didn't have the sanity, the clarity, to say as much back then.
here he has both of them, here he knows sam is safer than he ever was back home. here, he can look at cas and taste, take, and breathe the words he's always wanted to into the seam of his friend's lips.
dean sinks into the heat of cas' mouth, pushes past those lips and presses himself inside. he's heard all that he needs to, wants nothing more than this right now, so he'll take, damn it. he'll take what's being offered him with that quiet, desperate please. ]
...C'mere.
[ rather than pushing him further into the wall, dean's tugging cas away from it, taking steps back towards their shared mattress.
he knows he could demand the same of cas -- see only me, no one else but me, not other-me, not anyone -- but he won't. can't. eve if he might want to.
for now, getting cas on that goddamn mattress is enough. ]
Anyone, he wants to say. Anyone who is better, who can be even more useful, who would give more than he possibly could like this. It sits heavy in his mouth, almost sour. Castiel can feel it bubbling to the surface, wanting to be spoken and explained. If he could drive all that doubt from himself or Dean, if he could become stronger again so that he never let him down, he would take it in an instant. They're discussing befriending the other him, an angel with working grace that hasn't been subjected to his brothers and sisters abandoning the earth, someone who could, potentially, take from him what he struggled to keep, and it pains him to know that jealously when there should be no reason for it. Dean's words give him some hope, a wavering sense of accomplishment that's drowned out when he's kissed, but it doesn't completely negate it.
At least they have this, he supposes. At least this is theirs, and he leans into it without complaint, sucks at his bottom lip and nips at the edge of his tongue. Maybe he's needed this since seeing the other Dean, since dealing with someone who should know you just as well as you know yourself and doesn't. Maybe he's just needed the perfect excuse to put his hands on him.
Castiel stumbles a little when Dean pulls, but he doesn't resist, following after almost too willingly and opening his eyes to look at him. This is... more insistent than anything either of them have taken besides those shared kisses, and it makes his blood warm, makes his skin heat at the thought. He gently eases to his knees on the bed and curls his fingers around Dean's, silently demanding as he pulls him down so they're level. So he can rest their foreheads together for only a moment before pressing to kiss him again and wrap himself around him. Closer, he needs to be closer.
There's a sharp breath, deciding to switch tactics. Switch moves just as they've switched positions. ]
I've been thinking. [ He mumbles it against his mouth, licking at the corner. Feeling the need to elaborate, Castiel sighs. ] About you.
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indecadence) wrote2013-05-24 08:48 pm
w18d2
It's late by the time he drags himself back to the academic building and into the rooms they've slowly cleaned out. Even if it still needs some work, it's closer to a home than anything either of them have had in a long time, and he feels as if he's growing comfortable there. Maybe too much, dropping the bag he carries by the door and gently resting his gun on the table. He'd gone to the dorms heading back from the docks, drenched in rain and sweat and too much else to get off with a quick rubdown. It had given him time to think about all the things that had happened, what he should do about it.
Regardless of anything else, he had to discuss them with Dean. The others were back now, not having been particularly missed in the first place, and everything seemed far more complicated than last time.
He sighs, rubbing a hand over his face and idly scratching at the side of his jaw as he looks around. Still damp from the shower, the added bit of rain as he'd crossed the campus didn't help cool him down. It's hotter than he remembers the summers at camp being, and it's only something else to add to the list of what he has to adjust to by being here. Hands through his hair, he moves into one of the smaller rooms where Dean is and heads straight for where they keep their extra clothes. ]
Something happened today. [ Is all he offers in way of greeting, words muffled when he pulls himself out of his shirt and changes into a thinner one. ]
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of course, this new direction that his relationship with cas has taken might be to blame too. sort of.
it's warm at their place, but dean's found himself something to tinker with inside all the same, fixing this or that which still needs to be looked at, since the building they've partly taken over is hardly in perfect living condition still. so when compass isn't making their lives miserable, he's fixing it, much like right now, when cas walks inside.
dean's eyes lift from whatever he's doing, noting the damp hair, the cleaner look, and the his focus is back on the task he has at hand. ]
And what's that.
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I assume you received the message COMPASS sent out. [ Not a question. He just goes on. ] I thought it would be worth looking into, so I went to the docks.
[ As he talks, he moves around the room and adjusts things here and there. An extra pair of shoes gets shoved back against the wall, a pair of jeans he thinks are his get pushed atop them--idly tidying up. All of this in the few seconds it takes to move closer to Dean. ]
Past you is here again. And the angel.
[ He doesn't think he needs to be specific, but he should probably mention the condition he'd found his other self in. ]
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when the words finally come...
there's only mute surprise on dean's face. ]
Hm. [ past-him and castiel, then. of course. maybe he should be bothered, and maybe he is some, but... ]
To be expected. [ a brief look up at cas, then his eyes are back on what he's tinkering with, voice even. ]
Castiel could prove to be useful, even. That is... [ another pause, another glance. ]
Do they remember?
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Past you didn't say much. [ Not a surprise, but he was incredibly dirty. ] And Castiel-- He doesn't remember anything at all.
[ Anything. He tries to add emphasis on it, slowly dropping his arms and stepping a bit closer to get Dean to meet his eyes. The fact the angel hadn't even recognized his face meant problems, and Castiel could not recall anything in his own history where he's suffered amnesia. His mouth thins a little, the smile present on his face slowly disappearing. ]
He didn't recognize me and said my name was strange. [ The name that they shared. It's troubling. ] How useful could that be?
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Anything?
[ that's... not right. ]
But he's still an angel, right? That's how.
[ because dean, this one, doesn't know of any other time castiel would fall except for his timeline, and the end product is the one standing in front of him now. that hadn't ever included amnesia... so maybe, despite his flawed memories, the new castiel is still an angel.
that means he has power, and power is something dean could always use. ]
I'll have to see him for myself.
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Being shoved out for something better-- ]
I don't know. I doubt he even knows what an angel is. [ There's a certain huff to his voice. ] But if you're going to see him, you should ask.
[ Which is hilarious, really. Even if Castiel isn't laughing this time. Hand to the bridge of his nose, and he pinches it just slightly to ease the pressure threatening to build there, glancing at Dean over a shoulder as if suddenly remembering something important. ]
It might be easier if I went with you. [ Since the angel sort of knows him now. ]
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green finds the slope of cas' neck for a moment, then he's moving to get up, hand on the wall behind him. ]
No. I'll go alone. [ sorry, this is gonna be a solo trip. he wants to make his own assessments and impressions without cas there to mess things up for him.
but he does pause to look at him for a beat. ]
Does Sam know about other-me? He might be a problem.
[ last thing dean needs is the other him whispering bad things about him to sam... ]
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It has him hesitating, something pulling at his chest. ]
I haven't spoken with Sam yet. [ A breath. ] I came to you first.
[ And then, he's giving into that tugging urge to face the other man, oddly relieved to find him just a little closer. Less distracted by whatever he was doing before, more focused on him and the conversation. Castiel won't say he isn't pleased with the attention--even if they're talking about the angel. ]
And I didn't tell the other you that you were here. [ Didn't see a point in it. ]
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Good.
[ well done, on bot accounts. he needs the surprise to be at his advantage is case something happens. that is, unless of course sam beats him into telling his other-self he's here. sam wouldn't withhold the information, not from the dean he knows better.
probably likes better too.
dean shoves the thought away, and instead looks at cas. ]
With some luck, we'll be able to jog his memories... And maybe this time, he can help. The last one was... [ an asshole.
dean steps past him. ]
Well, I'll go about it differently this time.
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Because they're talking about the angel again.
Dean's talking about the angel. ]
What are you hoping he'll remember? [ His voice cracks just slightly. ] ... how will it be any different than last time?
[ Does he mean that he can have some useful Castiel who won't lose his grace and help him with the mission? One that won't disagree to any idea put into his head like the other had? He still hasn't mentioned to Dean the possibility of actually taking his grace from the angel, but the thought just sits at the back of his mind as he looks at him, eyes a little wide and mouth twisted thin.
What is he missing here? ]
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As long as he remember what he is enough to use the power he has? The rest doesn't matter.
[ it's almost ruthless. but he doesn't care much for the castiel of the past, or of a different timeline. he has his cas, has him in a way dean had never expected and that's more than enough for him.
but he does add, after a moment of hesitation; ]
If he were to find out... I'm the way I am, he won't help me.
[ much like what had happened with the previous cas. they realize he's not their dean, he isn't the weaker version, and they stay away, find him something of an abomination.
but then maybe... ]
Unless of course I befriend him first. That could work, too.
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Well. He can't quite help it now, reaching out to touch Dean anywhere he can. His fingers settle on his wrist, slipping around it easily just for the sake of contact. It's difficult to think when it's all he's really wanted to do since he'd dragged himself in from the rain. ]
There's nothing wrong with the way you are.
[ Not to Castiel, not really. They are who they are because of the things they've done, and it's not going to change how they're perceived. If the older Castiel had understood that, perhaps he wouldn't have been so harsh with either of them. Then again, an angel was a stranger to sympathy for things they did not understand.
He strokes his thumb along the underside, looking at him. ]
If he listens, what are you going to do?
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instead, he scoffs at the words, looking away for a moment. ]
Even you can't believe that.
[ he is different.
he is... worse than the other one, despite claiming otherwise. he's distant, he doesn't always feel like himself, hasn't in a long time, and he's been out of touch with certain qualities in life, certain aspects of himself and people. he doesn't necessarily want to be the person he'd once been, there was weakness in that, which had cost him sam, but...
sometimes he still finds himself envious. to have sam's affections easier, castiel's too...
he looks at cas again. ]
Use him for everything he's worth.
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You don't know what I believe, Dean.
[ His own faith might have slowly deteriorated over the course of those several years, but he's found that belief is far more distinct than knowing. Castiel knows what exists out there, all those things he's seen and experienced, but trying to grasp for a meaning in all of it circles back to the existence he's carved for himself in that camp with Dean more than anything else. Now it's here, and he doesn't regret that.
How could he with the way things are? ]
Because you're different doesn't mean it's wrong. Maybe it's-- I like you whatever way you are regardless of the past. [ Since he knows everything still lies underneath; it just takes effort to reach it. He lifts his eyes to meet Dean's carefully. ] And if that's the plan, I'm with you.
[ Whatever it might mean, he'll do it. ]
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yet he still hasn't, always only offers him words of sticking to his side.
and if that's the plan, i'm with you.
dean breathes a relieved sound, presses just an inch closer to him as his voice drops a note lower. ]
I knew you would be... Which is why I want you to remain on good terms with him, too. [ so no fighting with the other cas, no sabotaging him, no nothing. ]
We want his trust.
[ so when the time comes, he'll stand with them, not against them. ]
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Castiel catches himself frowning a little at the comment, but he doesn't fight it. Whatever this is panning out to be, there's no point in questioning it. The angel might have the power they don't to help them finish the job, and maybe, if he's patient enough, Castiel can take what he's wanted to take from him since learning how possible it might actually be. There's a soft noise of confirmation, and then, without really thinking about it, he's stepping closer too.
He drops the hold on Dean's wrist for something better, slipping both arms around his neck as casual as he pleases. ]
I'll be nice to him. [ There's a smirk. ] After all, I know him better than anyone else.
[ An understatement considering. He might not know the specifics of the angel's amnesia - whether it's permanent or not - but he knows the basis of his existence and the finer details. The shape of his wings, the glint of his halo. Castiel knows it all, and he wants it back.
A low sigh, and he bumps their foreheads together, lingering there for only a moment before withdrawing. ]
But I'd prefer not to discuss it any further than that. [ Because he's getting jealous. ]
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Why not?
[ it's almost amused, and also curious. discussing battle plans, missions, whatever, has never sat wrong by cas. so why now? this is especially important, and he needs them both on the same page so nothing goes wrong.
these early moments, when castiel is still uninfluenced, are the most crucial. ]
His presence here again-- it's refreshing.
[ but only in that it gives dean a new angle to play, a new shot at everything. ]
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I don't like him. [ It's really that easy. ] That you want to get close to him is-- I don't like that either.
[ Which makes him sound indecisive. Which is envy at his very core, and it's the selfish notion that he doesn't have to share Dean with someone better in ways he could never be again that stings.
His hands move up, pushing through the short strands of Dean's hair to mold to the shape of his skull. It gets them relatively closer than any time before, and he struggles not to sink into it, wanting the heat and whatever reassurance that offers him. Even if it's warm in the room, he feels oddly cold. He doesn't look away from him. ]
If we use him, that's all it's going to be.
[ He's not going fight himself for the attention he's worked hard to get, and he doesn't care how it sounds. ]
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i don't like him.
that you want to get close to him is-- i don't like that either.
so curious, and maybe before, from the words alone, dean would draw conclusions. but petty emotions, such as what cas might be suggesting, haven't really passed through as a possibility for dean yet, so he only arches a brow. there's something here, and he wants to know what.
his voice is barely above a whisper as he leans in, even but curious. help him understand this. ]
What else do you fear it might be?
[ put it into words, so it's not lost in translation. he wants them on the same page, on the same note. he needs them there, for cas to be one with him as much as he can, so they can be as efficient as they need to, so they'll never fail.
if there are boundaries, limitations, dean needs to know. ]
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Castiel presses in slightly with his fingers, biting at his lip as he looks at Dean's and considers distracting him instead.
But maybe this is important. He wants it to be. ]
He has what I can't give you. And - [ A breath, a sigh, a resignation. ] - I don't want to leave again.
[ Be shoved out, forced to go somewhere and be left to his own devices. He could do it, he supposes, but the aftermath would not be a pretty one. He'd tried when he'd found Dean missing. He'd tried when Dean had told him to never come back. He'd tried but hadn't gotten anywhere at all out of some insufferable hopelessness that's attached itself to him.
Castiel also lowers his voice, a softer whisper against the edge of Dean's mouth. ]
I want to stand beside you, not chase after you.
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No, he doesn't.
[ he wants to bite the words from cas' mouth before they ever have a chance to fall, but he knows this all needs to be said, and now. but it... almost pains him, twinges something in him that makes him wish there was no need to ever say something like this. before, back in their world, dean might have cast castiel aside at the chance of the angel, to use him against the devil, to use him him in every way.
but not here.
not now.
not anymore. ]
You don't have to chase me. Not if... not if you're honest with me. No secrets, remember?
[ because that's why he'd cast cas out the last time. he hadn't enjoyed it, not one bit, but it had been because of the betrayal, of the lies and activity with lucifer more than anything. but since they were past that, since he can now press himself flush against cas, feel the blazing heat of him through his clothes, see the beads of water, the damp hair-- could just lean in and lick away...
it's not going to happen, not unless cas himself invites trouble into their life. ]
Alright?
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He's made it a point not to keep them anymore, purposely avoiding anything that might be subject to secrecy. Castiel makes a habit of taking those things and running with them, of placing them somewhere far out of reach and unintentionally hiding them until he's caught in the midst of something he can't back his way out of. He doesn't want that anymore, his back aching with the shove into the wall. It's the unexpected press of Dean's body that has him almost fighting it, squirming just a little until he's so close he's breathing in the air Dean exhales and sucking down his words.
no secrets
Castiel nods absently as he tries to focus on anything beyond the smaller details, the easy way they fall together only after a few weeks of finally settling into this sort of rhythm. But it doesn't work, turning just enough to rub his nose against Dean's. ]
You want honesty? [ And there's a second, when he pauses, that his pulse echoes loud in his head, like it's the only thing he can hear. He notices the inhale he takes, the strange pressure of the words as he opens his mouth to speak. His fingers tremble. Castiel curls his hand tight into the fabric of Dean's t-shirt and tries to hold him even closer. ] See only me.
[ There's the slightest kiss to the side of the other man's mouth, a hint of desperation to it. ]
I'm right here, so... Please.
[ don't look anywhere else ]
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but now he's asking again, and he just needs cas to give him that. give him the honesty he asks for. ]
Who else would I see.
[ thing is, he does only see cas. it's always been cas, always him above the others. for the longest time, he hasn't had sam, no one but cas there to watch him ruin himself and those around him. and maybe they didn't share a relationship as they do now, back then, but that doesn't change the fact that cas has always been the only one worthy of anything in dean's eyes after sam had said yes. he just didn't have the sanity, the clarity, to say as much back then.
here he has both of them, here he knows sam is safer than he ever was back home. here, he can look at cas and taste, take, and breathe the words he's always wanted to into the seam of his friend's lips.
dean sinks into the heat of cas' mouth, pushes past those lips and presses himself inside. he's heard all that he needs to, wants nothing more than this right now, so he'll take, damn it. he'll take what's being offered him with that quiet, desperate please. ]
...C'mere.
[ rather than pushing him further into the wall, dean's tugging cas away from it, taking steps back towards their shared mattress.
he knows he could demand the same of cas -- see only me, no one else but me, not other-me, not anyone -- but he won't. can't. eve if he might want to.
for now, getting cas on that goddamn mattress is enough. ]
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Anyone, he wants to say. Anyone who is better, who can be even more useful, who would give more than he possibly could like this. It sits heavy in his mouth, almost sour. Castiel can feel it bubbling to the surface, wanting to be spoken and explained. If he could drive all that doubt from himself or Dean, if he could become stronger again so that he never let him down, he would take it in an instant. They're discussing befriending the other him, an angel with working grace that hasn't been subjected to his brothers and sisters abandoning the earth, someone who could, potentially, take from him what he struggled to keep, and it pains him to know that jealously when there should be no reason for it. Dean's words give him some hope, a wavering sense of accomplishment that's drowned out when he's kissed, but it doesn't completely negate it.
At least they have this, he supposes. At least this is theirs, and he leans into it without complaint, sucks at his bottom lip and nips at the edge of his tongue. Maybe he's needed this since seeing the other Dean, since dealing with someone who should know you just as well as you know yourself and doesn't. Maybe he's just needed the perfect excuse to put his hands on him.
Castiel stumbles a little when Dean pulls, but he doesn't resist, following after almost too willingly and opening his eyes to look at him. This is... more insistent than anything either of them have taken besides those shared kisses, and it makes his blood warm, makes his skin heat at the thought. He gently eases to his knees on the bed and curls his fingers around Dean's, silently demanding as he pulls him down so they're level. So he can rest their foreheads together for only a moment before pressing to kiss him again and wrap himself around him. Closer, he needs to be closer.
There's a sharp breath, deciding to switch tactics. Switch moves just as they've switched positions. ]
I've been thinking. [ He mumbles it against his mouth, licking at the corner. Feeling the need to elaborate, Castiel sighs. ] About you.
[ About how much he's sure he wants him. ]
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